Christmas in Recovery

{TW:  Restriction}It's 8:14PM on this cold, rainy Friday evening in December in Jacksonville, Florida.  My children are attending a Christmas party at church, and I'm using this time to post an update on my blog.Or at least I had planned to do that.  It's been a while since I've blogged. Thanks to many of you who checked in with me. Your support means so much!  I've just not been sure what to write....I've been sitting here tonight in the church lobby next to the gorgeous Christmas tree, festive winter garland, and bright red poinsettias at a cafe table with my computer.  I thought surely this would be the perfect spot.  But here I sit, an hour and a half later, still trying to get started...I love holidays.  I love any reason to decorate, celebrate, and spend treasured moments with family and friends.  I especially love Christmas.  Always have.  Always will.I remember as a little girl, one of the happiest moments I can recall from that time, sleeping on the couch next to the beautiful, glowing Christmas tree.  The next morning, I would wake up and go to Grammie and Grandad's, who were so, so special to me.  Oh the joy and comfort I felt deep within me as I curled up tightly under my warm blanket, enjoying the moment and anticipation of the day to come.Now I have children of my own.  I've tried hard to create traditions for them that bring that same joy and comfort to their souls.But Christmas feels different this year.  It's not a bad different, I guess, but it's.... different.I suppose that's true about everything when you're in recovery from an eating disorder.  Probably recovery from anything.You roll right out of Thanksgiving - a holiday centered around thankfulness and FOOD (no struggle there, right??) - into the decorating and baking and shopping and programs and planning and all the things that come bundled with this most wonderful time of the year.And I don't mean that sarcastically.  It is the most wonderful time of the year.  It's the time when we celebrate the birth of precious Baby Jesus, who would live a life without sin and one day give His life for mine.  And in that celebration of His birth, we are gifted with time to spend with family and friends in parties and programs and special meals and activities.  And the world comes alive with beautiful sounds, sights, scents, and so much love.  It's amazingly wonderful!But this year, laced into those busy holiday preparations and celebrations, is the reality that I'm still very much in recovery.  Even though it's Christmas, my recovery cannot be set aside, forgotten, or delayed.  It has to be my first priority, regardless of what demands my attention.  In doing so, I'm following God's plan for me and doing what's absolutely best for my family and others.But goodness, recovery is so easily pushed aside.  And I think in the last couple of weeks, I've not done such a great job with remembering "my job" in this season of life.  Oh, the struggle!!My dietician had a pretty firm discussion with me this week.  And as hard as it was to hear, I know she's right.  The eating disorder leaves no stone unturned.  It will do whatever it can to find a tiny little space to take that foothold.  It's just ever so subtle.  Sometimes I think I'm getting better at recognizing those times, and then there are weeks like this one when I wonder if I've learned anything at all.But the Lord has surrounded me with such a tremendous team of people who have given me the tools that I need to keep fighting and who tirelessly remind me of truth.  I honestly don't know how they have such patience with me.It's so strange.  I've felt more like me this week than I've felt in a very long while.  But I've also missed a couple of meals and a bunch of exchanges.  It's odd that those two would go together in the same week, but that's the complexity of an eating disorder.  The struggle just isn't so bad at all when you are giving in, even if unintentionally.  I certainly didn't start my week thinking I'd miss some meals and cut lots of corners.  But somehow I convinced myself in each of those moments that it was OK and just moved on with the Christmas busyness.It's like I've just put it out of my mind.  I've ignored it and eaten what I wanted when I wanted it.  Or probably more like not eaten what I needed to eat when I didn't want to.  And busied myself in the season rather than be accountable for any of it.But that's not OK.  I'm not in that part of the recovery process yet.  Right now, it's of utmost importance that I follow my meal plan completely.It all just makes me want to put my head in my hands and scream....or cry.....or both.  I just want it all to go away so I can enjoy my favorite time of year.  I want to curl up on the couch and watch a Hallmark Christmas movie and eat Chex Party Mix without thinking twice about it or even having to think about where it fits in my meal plan.BUT.As hard as all of this is, and as frustrated as I am with myself, there is so much good.It's now Saturday, and our worship ministry will sing at the Town Center this afternoon.  Last year at this same event, I was a different person.  I remember I'd had about 3 Diet Dr. Peppers and 1 pretzel chip when I arrived to set up at 2:30 that day.  Getting out of the car, I felt lightheaded and I had a splitting headache.  Things were at odds with my husband, thanks to the perils of living with someone in denial of having an eating disorder.There was so much to remember that afternoon.  So much to organize and coordinate.  I couldn't seem to focus on anything.  I tried to force a pleasant smile as I greeted the rest of the team as they arrived to set up.  I had to be fine.  No one could know how I felt.I got through the event, much like I got through every day those days.  Sheer will power and determination and God's hand of protection.  But as the concert closed, I felt really, really awful.  My headache had reached migraine status.  I was sick to my stomach.  I was so lightheaded.  I kept saying to myself "Just keep moving, just keep moving," as we broke down the equipment.  Every time I bent down to pick something up, I prayed that God would not let me fall over.  The world just kept spinning.I finally had to go ask my husband if he could help in my place.  I physically had reached my limit.  And if you know me well, you know it had to be pretty bad for me to quit.  It was like something in me knew I was going to pass out if I didn't stop.  And then everyone would know something was wrong.On the way home, we stopped for dinner.  I ordered a cup of oatmeal, much to the disapproval of my husband and concern of my older children.  But even that brought so much anxiety and fear for me as I ate it.I was absolutely miserable in every way and quickly losing any hope for the future.  I was putting my family through so, so much.  The realization that I probably would not recover was becoming reality.Later that Christmas month, I would spend time in the emergency room due to complications of the eating disorder.  I would bake all day and all night without swallowing even a bite.  I'd cause even more worry and conflict for my family.  I would watch my children open presents on Christmas morning and fight tears wondering if this was the last I would watch.  In the days following Christmas, I would confess to my therapist - who gave up part of a day of vacation to meet with me - that I had lost all hope.  I was not going to recover.A couple of weeks later, I would be back in the emergency room with pain around my heart.  I would go days without sleeping.  I would push my family to the very edge of worry and concern.  And be admitted to a medical treatment facility for the second time with more hurt and anguish in my heart than I could ever explain and leaving behind a grieving, hurting family.But what a difference a year makes.  I type those words with tears streaming down my face.  Because God is SO GOOD.  He has done what I just knew was impossible.  He saved my life and continues to walk with me in this valley of recovery.  My soul finds such joy in knowing that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.  I'm not there yet, but praise God I know I will be fully recovered one day.This year, on the way to the Town Center, I realized I hadn't eaten lunch.  I was tempted to just let it go, but I didn't.  I stopped and bought two Cliff bars to eat on the way.  I had plenty of energy to sing and withstand the freezing cold un-Florida-like temperature.  The smile on my face was genuine.  And the sights and sounds of Christmas brought me joy.I stopped on the way home where my son and his friend wanted to eat - a burger place.  And we sat with dear friends and I ate like a normal person.  I didn't eat fries, but I'll get there.I drove to my beautiful new home that I've had so much fun decorating this year.  The lights on the garland around the door made my heart skip a beat as I pulled in the driveway.  I walked in to a family that wasn't worried sick about me.  Everyone was joyfully doing their thing, enjoying the night.We have a full day to look forward to tomorrow at church tomorrow as we continue celebrations of Jesus' birth.  And I will be properly nourished and able to participate fully in the day.I want to be transparent and willingly admit that I'm still very much a big, broken mess.  My mind still obsesses over things that would seem crazy to most.  My anxiety is unexplainably high.  I'm still going to fail in following my meal plan every single day.But my goodness, look what the Lord has done for me already.  Look where He has brought me!  And I am confident He will continue to give me what I need to face each day and walk in victory.So I'm thrilled with a Christmas in recovery.  I just keep thinking about how good my God is.  Yes, it's hard.  Yes, it's uncomfortable.  Yes, I wish I could just be fully recovered tomorrow.  But look what God has done!!!  In my life.  In my family's lives.  There's been so much healing.  And there's so much joy ahead.My heart is so full.  It's OK if Christmas is somehow different.  There is so much to celebrate, because God is so faithful.I don't know what you're facing this year.  For so many of you, I know the things on your heart are far heavier than an eating disorder.  But I am praying now that God will give you glimpses of His goodness and little pockets of joy in each day through this Christmas season.  I'm praying you see His faithfulness and will trust Him to complete the good work He's begun in you, too.  He loves you, He is with you, and He is for you.  Even when all seems hopeless, we can rest in knowing that He never fails.  Ever.Merry Christmas.