IT'S TOO HARD: The Struggle with Weight Restoration in Eating Disorder Recovery
When I let a couple of weeks go by without posting something about eating disorder recovery, I begin getting messages with concerns. God has so blessed me with amazing people like you who care about me, and I am thankful for you!The truth is, there are weeks that I don't feel like I have anything to share that could possibly be helpful to anyone. And I don't want to waste anyone's time. So I don't post.Since I've said that before and I continue to get messages, I'm going to try to be better about posting anyway. So for those of you who want to hear the stuff between the really good weeks and really bad weeks, read on. :)I just returned from an AMAZING trip to NYC with my daughter. We made memories I'll cherish forever, and I loved every minute of it!I was also really good about challenging myself with "fear" foods and "unsafe" foods through the entire visit. (Please note that I am cognitively aware that there are no fear or unsafe foods. My feelings just haven't caught up to that yet.) I ate normally and even ate sweets on top of my meal plan which served as my supplements for restoration. That was a major victory!We returned late Monday night and resumed our regular schedules on Tuesday. For me, that meant meeting with my dietician and therapist - both good things.And all was well until I stepped on the scale.I still do blind weights, so it's not that I saw the number. Something about stepping onto it very suddenly brought reality to my face, as abruptly as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water over my head.I knew what I saw in the mirror. I knew what I felt in my own skin. I could see the difference in the way my clothes were fitting. But stepping up onto that "platform" just confirmed all of it. And those old feelings of shame and disgust and self-loathing hit hard again. Standing there, I felt humiliated. What had I done?!It's all so convoluted. I know reading that would make anyone think I just want to be skinny, and that it's all about my appearance and figure. In reality, that's not the case at all. Unfortunately, this is one of the greatest stigmas surrounding eating disorders. While that may be the way it begins for some people, every struggle is different, and this is not the case for many who suffer. In my case, I just want to blend in. I feel most "blended" when I am very thin, and coming out of that brings up real fear and other difficult emotions that are extremely hard to manage. That's a totally different topic, and we'll tackle that another day. But know that for me, the feelings definitely don't stem from a desire to have a "perfect" figure.I sat down in the chair across from my dietician and put on my best smile. Calm down, calm down, calm down kept running through my head.As I write this, I'm wondering why I felt a need to hide my feelings from her. Perhaps because I feel like a broken record. Perhaps because it was overwhelming. Or perhaps it's because eating disorders thrive upon secrecy and shame, and so it felt better just to hold it in.So with that best smile in place, I proceeded to tell my dietician about our wonderful trip and all that we did. And then she wanted to know about the food part.Last week, she asked me to take pictures of meals and snacks as a record for her to have an accurate picture of what's being consumed. Truthfully, she's been asking me to do that for a long time, I'm just not very consistent. But I had done a much better job this week. So with phone in hand, I began scrolling through the pictures I'd taken of the food I'd eaten over the last week. I'd put them all into an album so I could just scroll one right after the other. Swipe, swipe, swipe. The intensity of those emotions of shame, disgust, and self-loathing grew stronger with every one of them. Swipe, swipe, swipe.By the last picture, I was coming unglued. It was just too much to see it all together like that. As hard as I tried, I was not able to stop the tears from pooling in my eyes. I couldn't cover the emotions.Of course she asked about the tears, and aggravated with myself for not being able to have a better handle on them, I told her about my feelings. I just can't do this weight restoration part. She countered with the appropriate truths. Actually, she asked me to state what is true.
It's OK to show strong emotions.
There is no shame in giving my body what it needs.
There is nothing to be disgusted about. I fed my body according to God's plan for me.
I must restore weight in order to recover.
She's monitoring closely so that if restoration is happening too fast, she can adjust the supplement schedule.
What I'm feeling does not match the reality of what's actually happening.
I need to trust.
I know all of these things. I believe all of these things. (OK wait, let's be honest. I definitely struggle with "I must restore weight in order to recover." So many arguments in my head about that one. I'm not even going to go there. But I'm trying really, really hard to let go of that and trust. That's why I included it in the truths.) But in that moment, the feelings took over, and I went into panic mode. Weight restoration is still happening, and it's scary. And I hate it.I couldn't get out of her office quickly enough. I held my breath on the way out to my car, desperate to keep the tears from falling and drawing attention to myself.It didn't work so well. So I gave up and had a good cry when I got to my car.The 15 minute reminder popping up on my phone for meeting with my therapist at 2:00 ended the tears. I really didn't want to talk about this anymore, and my face would definitely need every one of those minutes to erase any signs of the struggle.Deep breaths. Don't think about it anymore. Happy thoughts.It worked. A look in the restroom mirror upon arrival proved I'd erased all signs of difficult emotions. Smile in place. Good to go.The bright countenance and hug from the sweet lady observing our session helped keep my smile in place. As my therapist sat down, I knew the first question he was going to ask. He always starts with that question on Tuesdays."Well, how'd it go with {dietician}?"Dang it. Should've seen that coming and had my answer ready.On the spot, I knew I wasn't going to lie. So I just said something about things were going great, but I didn't want to talk about that right now.Again, looking back, I'm wondering how in the world I thought that would be helpful - not to talk about it. I guess that's further confirmation that the eating disorder really does thrive when you don't share your feelings and let anyone know what's going through your mind.But in the moment, I was thankful it worked. It was just too uncomfortable to talk about. My therapist set it aside. But what he transitioned into was even harder to talk about. And by the end of the session, I was a mess. A big, emotional mess.Even though I wanted to push all that aside, too, I was encouraged to talk about the feelings. And I'm glad I did. There's something that just feels good about getting it out and being heard and understood, even though it's hard to do.I was again kindly reminded of truths. But even though I'm trying so desperately to hold them close to my heart and trust, the feelings just won't let up.It was a hard day. It was a hard night. My sweet husband did everything he could to help. But those feelings were just plain awful.Wednesday was much better. I distracted myself and chose not to think about it. I was determined that I would not allow this to steal my joy.Somewhere between the days I made an unconscious decision (if that's even possible) in my mind to let the supplements go this week. I wouldn't lose weight, but I needed a break from the restoration. I felt like it would give me some breathing space to calm all of this down. Maybe that's what was helpful on Wednesday??When I vocalized that in my session on Thursday, I was encouraged to give that more thought. It was likely not wise, and my dietician would not be in agreement.------------------------------I don't know how to describe the way I feel right now other than to tell you I just sat back in my chair, closed my eyes, covered my face with my hands, and screamed in my head. I am sick of myself and my feelings, and I am sick of this eating disorder. But a covered face or silent scream doesn't fix anything.Alright. Reality. Here's what I know:
I do have strong feelings which bring difficult emotions, but FEELINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS FACTS. Feelings change.
Proverbs 3 says that I must not lean on my own understanding. Trusting in the Lord and leaning on Him right now for me is trusting the team of Godly professionals He's placed around me who are speaking truth into my life. I cannot trust myself - not what I see, not what I feel, usually not even what I think when it comes to eating disorder issues.
It is God's plan for me to nourish my body with food. And to enjoy it. And shame is never from God, and I certainly shouldn't feel ashamed for following His plan.
One of the symptoms of an eating disorder leading to a diagnosis is having an extremely distorted view of oneself. The body tracing activity I did at treatment proved that to be true for me.
I buried the eating disorder (read about that here.) Following its path is no longer an option.
When recovery is hard, you know it's working.
But those stupid feelings are still there.I told my sweet friend last night that I don't think I can endure this - meaning weight restoration. That is truly the way I feel. I want full recovery, but I want to do it from where I am and not worry about the weight as long as I'm following my meal plan. But, as she reminded me, that's not full recovery. Who wants to follow a meal plan for the rest of their life?And as I continued to think about it, I realized that saying I can't endure this doesn't hold up. Because I've proven that it is possible. I reached full weight restoration at treatment, and I lived to tell about it, even when I just knew I wouldn't survive it.God gave me the strength then to do what I needed to do, and He will do the same now. It might not be as "easy" (bad word choice - nothing about recovery is easy. I just didn't have a choice in residential treatment), but it is possible, and it's not going to kill me.I know full well that God's plan for my life is to walk in freedom. To be fully recovered from anorexia nervosa. He will give me the strength to do what needs to be done. I know that.But in my humanity, I am afraid. I am uncomfortable. I am struggling with anxiety and panic because of the way I feel in my body. It is SO HARD. And I just don't want to feel those feelings. Period.That's the bottom line. Ugh. It feels too hard, and I don't want to...... And that's not OK. That's not a Biblical response to trials.What do I tell my children when they tell me they don't want to do something that needs to be done? Sometimes in life, we have to do hard things that we don't want to do.It's a fundamental life lesson that we should learn early on.So Amie Shields, since you've apparently not learned this yet, be reminded. Sometimes in life you have to do really hard things that you don't want to do. That you're afraid to do. That bring feelings that you loathe and think you just can't handle. But you still do it, because it's the right thing to do.Yuck. Ew. Ugh. Cry. Grieve. Wring hands. It's still the truth.Despite the feelings I have about it, I have to do a hard thing. Period. It's just the way it is.The silver lining? I can cling to the promise that God will give me what I need to do it, even when my feelings tell me I just can't keep going.As we closed our therapy session yesterday, my therapist read Psalm 139:13-16 aloud. They are those beautiful verses that tell us that we are wonderfully created. That God knit us together. That He even planned our frame - our body type.This morning as I opened my Bible to read those verses again, I saw all of my notes that I'd made as I clung to those verses during treatment, and it made me cry. So many memories of how God used these verses to encourage me and help me hold onto truth during my time at residential treatment.... A book I was reading while I was there helped me to see the entire chapter in a brand new light. While there are several verses that talk about me and the way I was formed, the chapter is really written about our Maker, who is fearful and wonderful, intended to inspire awe.In verses 1 and 2, He is an OMNISCIENT God. In verse 5, He is an ETERNAL God. In verse 6, He is INCOMPREHENSIBLE. Verses 7-9 say that He is near and far, high and low - an OMNIPRESENT God. In verse 10, He is SELF-SUFFICIENT. And in verses 13-15, He creates life. He is SELF-EXISTENT and OMNIPOTENT. Verse 16 reminds us of His SOVEREIGNTY. The words "vast" and "more than the sand" in verses 17-18 tell us He is INFINITE and IMMEASURABLE. And verse 18 tells us that He endures. He is an IMMUTABLE God.And THAT is the God who created me. When I think about all that He is, it makes the wonder of my creation even more astounding. It is THIS God who knit me together in my mother's womb. The God who planned my body type and frame. The God who qualifies my creation to be fearful and wonderful. The God who planned every one of my days for me. The day I would marry the most amazing man in the world. The days when each of my four precious children were born. But also the days I would spend at treatment. He knew about all of them when He put me together. Even today was ordained for me. This very minute. This very blog post. He's that God!You just have to let that sink in a minute.Honestly, no matter how strong my feelings are, how does it make any sense at all to trust those over this God's creation. It doesn't. It just doesn't make any sense at all.So I will choose to trust Him. I will choose to trust His plan for my life that was established when He formed my body. I will trust those He's placed around me by doing what they say in order to restore my body to full health, as He wants it to be.And my feelings will be what they are. One day they'll change. I won't be afraid and anxious forever. But they certainly don't change the truth of what must be done right now. Sometimes we have to do hard things, even when we don't want to. The hard thing is to do the right thing - continue to walk towards recovery - in spite of the way I feel.Am I strong enough to do this? Heavens no!!! I wouldn't make it a day.This is where I again have to cling to truth. God's never broken even one promise. Ever. He's certainly not going to begin with me. He promises He'll make a way.End of story. In Him, I am enough. So are you. This is what enables us to do those really, really, really hard things that we don't want to do - that seem impossible to do. In Him.I'm thankful that God has given me so many other things that really do matter to focus on right now. While they certainly don't erase the feelings, fears, or struggles, they do make it easier to keep pushing forward. They are my reasons for recovery. So despite the difficulty, I know that there is so much joy ahead. I'm enjoying much of it now, thanks to God's grace. I can only imagine how amazing it will be when fully recovered. He is so good!