A Lion Named ED: Prowling, Roaring, Hungry, Seeking Someone to Devour
A post with an update is long overdue. I have pages of notes of things I planned to include. So many exciting things are happening! God is definitely at work, and it's such a privilege to be part of it.Suffice it to say that lion and toilet images were not on that list. But if Bring Your Brokenness is the mantra, we've gotta keep it real. An update blog post is in the future, but here's a little window into current recovery for anyone who cares to peer into it.If you've never had an eating disorder, this may seem ridiculously far-fetched to you. That thought nearly kept me from making this a public post. Well, that thought and the embarrassment that led to a desire to pretend it didn't happen.But the reality is that there are thousands of people across the world who struggled with the same temptation tonight, and not everyone was a victor. It is for those warriors I confess my pride for what it is and write, praying that the next time the enemy strikes, they'll stand strong in Christ.Just when I think I may be nearing the "end" of recovery road. Just when ministry plans are falling into place. I mean, just last week, I met dozens of clinicians from all over North Florida who were eager to hear of our plans to open a residential treatment facility on Amelia Island. I have meetings lined up over the next couple of weeks to meet with several prominent people on the faith and clinical sides of the spectrum.
Be sober, well balanced and self-disciplined, be alert and cautious at all times. That enemy of yours, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, fiercely hungry, seeking someone to devour. I Peter 5:8 AMP
Yeah. That lion, that enemy of mine, the devil, must have been lurking in my backyard pacing back and forth, watching me through the windows and doors.I sat around the dinner table tonight with my children and my daughter's friend eating pizza. We were laughing about things that happened during the day and anticipating the Halloween fun we'd enjoy tomorrow.We finished up, and I suddenly found myself alone. The boys went outside. My daughter took her friend home. And my husband is out of town this week.The random, out of the blue, unexpected, undesired thought entered my mind very suddenly. The lion pounced. My heart began slamming against the wall of my chest as I contemplated that thought and how much I wanted to engage in the behavior.Even though many things have been going relatively well recently ministry-wise, I've still been sitting with super uncomfortable emotions with personal things. And here dangled a temptation to do what had, in the past, served as a helpful tool in alleviating those difficult feelings. I'm not proud to say that I really wanted it. Badly.Almost as if the lion was frozen in mid-air as it leapt towards me, my mind raced a thousand miles a second. Wait, what? Where did this thought come from? I'm not supposed to struggle with things like this anymore. I'm supposed to be helping other people who struggle with these thoughts. Why am I even thinking about this?? Oh, but it would be SO helpful. Just one time and then never again. No, I can't. That's a dangerous path. I choose life. I can't do it. Oh but I want to. It would help so much. No one would know. Just this once.Literally, I squeezed my head in my hands. STOP.I walked back into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. What am I doing, I wondered?? I can't do this. Walk out now.Entering my bedroom, I picked up my Bible from my nightstand and went to the far side of the room. Oh God, help me! I don't want to do this, but I do want to do this. Ugh, I don't want to want to do this. I know it's not okay. What is wrong with me?? I know this is not your plan for my life, and I want to honor You. But I need help.I opened to the book of Psalms and started reading. My thoughts kept drifting back to the temptation, so I started reading out loud. I started in chapter 7 and just kept flipping through, reading some of my favorites in a loud voice, even though it was trembling with a lot of emotion.The boys came inside, and my youngest came in my room and hung on my back and rolled all over me. I kept reading as many verses as I could find about God being a fortress, a refuge, a rescuer, a strong tower, a stronghold for the weak.
He drew me out of many waters. He rescued me from my strong enemy and from those who hated me, for they were too mighty for me. They confronted me in the day of my calamity, but the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me. Psalm 18:16-19 ESV
I don't know how long I read, but I knew that as long as I was reading Scripture I would not be engaging in a behavior. I just kept reading.Somehow my heart knew when I was safely standing in Christ's strength, and I knew when it was time to stop reading.I walked into the bathroom and placed my open Bible on the toilet. I didn't really have a reason behind it; it just somehow seemed appropriate. After thanking God for intervening and giving me the strength to withstand the temptation, I returned to costume prep, dishes, homework, and other evening routines.About an hour later when I walked in the bathroom to start the shower for my son and saw my Bible laying on the toilet seat, my eyes stung with tears. Even though I had to challenge feelings of shame, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the power of the living Word of God! There it sat, like a flag waving over a battle ground that had been conquered.Dr. Brunson preached a message a little over a year ago and gave us a powerful visual for I Peter 5:8. I can't find the actual clip he used, but this one makes the same point.
The devil, our enemy, does prowl around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Sometimes he chooses me. But I have something much stronger than that sheet of glass to protect me when he strikes. I have the armor of God. It's my choice as to whether I choose to put it on each day.On my own, I don't stand a chance against a hungry, roaring lion. But with an omnipotent God living within me, the One who created the lion - the enemy - and who has already conquered him, I can stand firm against any and every temptation. The enemy can't get me. I am safe.Friends, I HATE that this is what I'm writing about tonight. It's embarrassing that things of this nature are my most difficult temptations, but it doesn't change the fact that they are. I didn't choose this grip on my mind and emotions or the associated struggles. But that doesn't change anything either.The reality: I have difficult, unpleasant, misunderstood-by-most temptations, and I must face them. The changing factor is the way I choose to face them. I have to choose Jesus every time, or I'm doomed to failure and destruction.I'm praying as I close that you can learn from this. In the horrendous fears and emotions surrounding your temptation, you can stand firm in Christ, too. He promises that if He allows a temptation, He will always provide a way out. Do whatever you have to do to withstand it until you see the door, and then run through it without looking back.
Resist him [the enemy], firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. I Peter 5:9-10 ESV