Eating Disorder Recovery on a Beautiful Fall Day in Florida

Eating Disorder Recovery on a Beautiful Fall Day in Florida

On a beautiful Florida fall day in October, I am feeling extra thankful for God's goodness, especially when I think about recovery. It was 68 degrees when I walked outside this morning. That definitely means boot weather down here! God is doing so many incredibly good things.But also, today, October 12, marks a treatment "anniversary." On this day, two years ago, I went against the recommendation of my team and my family and discharged from a residential level of care.I believed I couldn't stay another day; I'd been away from my family for six long weeks, and the guilt from that was just too much. My husband picked me up from the facility in Tallahassee. We drove home, picked up the kids from school, and went to church.I still recall the exact moment I knew I wasn't ready to be home. Rather than process it with my treatment team, I determined I'd just have to deal with it, and I tried to ignore the feelings. But in that moment, an overwhelming fear gripped my heart and refused to let go, despite my attempts to pretend I was just fine.If you've heard my story, you know that this was the beginning of what I called, "The Darkest Quarter." It was a three month time period of extreme depression, dangerous restriction and behaviors, and suicidal ideations. And when I look back on it, my memories are full of sadness.I'm not going to write about that time today, but to all the women in treatment out there, I can't encourage you enough to trust the process. Stop trying to control it. Acknowledge that you've got a long track record of proving your ways can't be trusted. It's time to trust in the Lord and His ways. Yes, treatment is long and hard and uncomfortable. But it's possible, and it's worth it.The process is what it is, and it takes as long as it takes. Lasting change doesn't happen overnight, no matter how hard you try. It's okay to let go of guilt; give yourself time to heal. Trust the team God's placed around you, and don't rush it.Back to the goodness we started talking about at the beginning of the post. I just have to take a minute to praise God for what He's done and is doing in my life. I want to thank Him, as the song says, that though my sins are many, His mercy is more. For the grace that He continuously pours over me. For the gift of recovery. For all of His promises. And for blessing me with precious family and friends.I've messed up recovery more times than I can count. But by the grace of God, I'm further down the road of recovery than I've ever been, and I feel so blessed that God would allow me to walk with others in their recovery journeys.Looking back on this day brings such mixed emotions. I wouldn't wish the season that followed on my worst enemy, but that season made mercy and grace more beautiful than ever to me. And I love Jesus and have learned so much more about Him than I knew and loved Him that day. I'm also more excited about the future than I've ever been before!!God is at work! It is incredible to think about leaving a residential facility on this day two years ago - leaning on my understanding - and spiraling to near-death, yet on this same day two years later, to be dreaming about opening a residential facility so that I can encourage other ladies not to make the same mistakes I did. To think of all of the opportunities that this will bring to allow us to love people, share Jesus with them, and walk with them through the valley... It's such an amazing example of how God can redeem even the most awful of times and use it all for good.So hold on to hope, sweet ladies in treatment! The rest of your life is waiting for you, but none of it is more important than your recovery right now. Trust the process, as long as it takes. God has planned good things for your future (Jeremiah 29:11).