Treatment Truths: Week 1
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AUGUST 29, 2016 Admitted to a Medical Residential Treatment Facility for eating disorders.Today I learned how deeply my heart could hurt.I've never known such pain, desperation, panic, fear, helplessness, or hopelessness.And the guilt...bringing such hurt to my precious husband and children is almost more than I can take. Actually, it is more than I can take.It doesn't seem possible to get through 29 more days.My eyes are so swollen, and my sinuses are so full that I can hardly even see this page.This afternoon, I cried harder than I've ever cried over anything in my life, for longer than I've ever cried about anything. My body aches from what it must have taken out of me.I honestly feel like a part of me is losing it. I CANNOT pull it together. The emotions hurt so deeply and seem to be consuming me.The Lord just put Lam. 3:21-24 in my mind. Intentional thought shift - while I still hurt, I can feel His presence, and I will hold onto hope (vs. 24). But the hurt is still unbearable.Nothing could have prepared me for today. NOTHING. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it surely wasn't this.It's kind of an incognito psych-ward. You cannot be out of anyone's sight. Ever. When I take a shower or go to the bathroom, I have to sing or count. I cannot flush until they see and document it. I have to keep checking ketones, because they are so elevated. No soda. Crazy table rules. Way, way too much feeling talk, artsy crud, and social "what do you need," "how are your thoughts…..” I don't like to talk about feelings.Everything has to be publicly processed and documented. Most of our belongings are locked up. We cannot be in our rooms all day. We get ten minutes on the phone. No electronics.The group stuff is going to be the hardest part. I don't like to process feelings to begin with, much less, in front of others. We arrived here at 11AM. It took almost 2 hours to go through all the paperwork and admissions procedures. I thought the nurse was kidding when she told me to count or sing the ABC's in the bathroom. As orientation went on, I could feel my heart backing away quickly.Saying goodbye to my children this morning ripped my heart out. And when my husband left this afternoon, my heart felt torn into pieces. I have never been so afraid. I wanted to be strong for him, but the truth is I am not strong. I couldn't even come close to faking it. It hurt so much to see him leave I wanted to throw up.I went straight into an individual session with Mrs. Gamin. She is sweet and kind.Then I had a session with the dietician. Oh goodness. It never even occurred to me that I would be forced to eat certain kinds and amounts of foods. How did I not think of that???The fear was so intense a couple of times with her that tears spilled over from my eyes.When we finished, she walked me to the great room where all the girls were sitting. As I was introduced, I felt my heavy emotions swallow me whole. The tears started and grew more intense by the minute.When we went in the bedrooms to get unpacked, I walked over to the bay window, and I could feel myself physically, mentally, and emotionally falling apart. The tears came in torrents.I just wanted to run away. I had to be by myself.They took me to the Pink Room, where I was by myself with exception of a therapist standing in the corner. I sat in a chair, stared out the window, and things got crazy.I thought about throwing myself through the window. I thought about running away and jumping the fence. I hurt so badly in every way and hated myself so much for the hurt I'd heaped on others that I just wanted to die.The sobs shook my whole body. I couldn't stand. I couldn't move. I could only sit there and grieve through torrential tears. Every once in a while, the therapist would walk over and ask what I needed...if I wanted to talk. I just shook my head. I was kind. They were sweet. But I wanted them out. I wanted out. They brought dinner into the pink room, and somehow, with the help of sweet Ms. Grove, I got through my first meal. I took a shower, counting through my painful tears as loud as I could, and made my Mom call. I could only bring myself to talk to my husband. I begged him to come and get me. I just can't do this!!!!!!I CAN'T! Just took a break for evening snack. Seriously, since I've been here this afternoon, I've had dried mangoes, chicken, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables, and a sugar cookie. A COOKIE. First, that's more than I've had in about 3 days put together. Second - a cookie. I feel so yucky and so guilty. And I'm so scared because of the amount of food the other girls have on their plates.But I have to do this once and for all, for my family.I was sobered tonight, as we went around the room processing, when I realized that maybe I really do need to be here. Maybe I do have a real problem if I struggle so much with a sugar cookie.But then the guilt washes over me again, and I feel like I didn't try hard enough. That I didn't give it my best at home. Like I should be severely punished for what this is doing to my family.And I'd give anything if someone could just come and pick me up and take me home where I belong.Tonight, I was humbled and blessed as I was reminded of the true treasure I have in my dear friend. She gave me a journaling Bible and a wrapped package in the shape of a rectangle. I've never experienced anything like her friendship, and this especially reached a place deep in my heart.As I opened her package and saw all of the letters, one for each day of treatment, I melted into a puddle, and my heart hurt so badly but felt so loved all at the same time. I felt her deep love and was encouraged, even as I sat weeping and broken in the middle of the floor with the therapist standing over me.I cannot believe that despite all of this - it's so heavy, and ugly, and messy, and never-ending, and consuming - she STILL loves me and walks closer alongside me every day.I don't deserve it, but I'm so thankful for it. They just announced that it's bedtime, or we can at least go into our rooms.But I don't want to get in that bed alone.And I want to go upstairs and tuck in my little ones. I will never again take that for granted.How did I get here? It all feels like an absolute nightmare. And I'm still wondering if I even need to be here. God please make this go away.
AUGUST 30, 2016
I still hurt so deeply. I still can't believe I'm here.I'm trying hard to settle in and accept the fact that I can't leave.And I'm doing everything I can to believe and trust the team that I need to be here.I have eaten so much today, and I still have dinner and another snack to go. I feel like even this minimal level is more than what I ate before I began struggling with the eating disorder again.I'm trying so hard not to count the calories. But when I do, I feel SO yucky.It does seem that I'm already gaining weight. But if that's what has to happen, then it must. I'll do anything to bring about healing so I can go home.The regret and the guilt are so heavy. Why, oh why, oh why did I ever give in to behaviors again to start with?! WHY??And why didn't I trust my dietician in that I really do need the calories and that I really was close to residential, and just let someone sit with me and make me eat? Why???I may never forgive myself for this. My family may never forgive me. I wouldn't blame them.This will absolutely be the longest and most difficult 30 days of my life.I'm trying to break it down - I'm on day 2 of 30 days, so I'm 1/15 of the way through.I wave back and forth between somehow I'll get through this to the wave of nausea and sharp pain in my heart that makes me want to run through the door and scale the fence.While I'm trying to be positive about treatment, today seemed completely unproductive.Well, other than the enormous amount that I'm eating. And I guess that's a good thing, if I'm trusting my team.But almost 2 hours per day is devoted to the 15 minute group processing time when we talk about feelings and struggles and victories associated with what we eat. I guess that is pretty important.I spent 2.5 hours today with the medical doctor and doing labs and traveling, 15 minutes cutting out pictures in art for my placemat, another group time saying goodbyes and affirmations to someone leaving, and closing group was cut short because of goodbyes. So closing was kind of blown over.That does frustrate me. $1400/day for that, and much worse, away from those whom I love so dearly.Since I have to be here, I want every minute to be focused on recovery and help. I'm praying tomorrow will be better.I did realize today that those waves and glimpses of the possibility that I just might get through this have to be the direct result of my family and friends who are praying for me – literally physically, emotionally, and spiritually holding me up.Please God, let them continue.
AUGUST 31, 2016
I've still had random outbursts of tears throughout the day today, but I didn't cry ALL day. That was different.My heart still hurts so, so much, and I still feel so overwhelmed when I think about the amount of time.I can't imagine how I'll ever get through this.But I think I've come to grips with the fact that they're not going to let me leave.So I'm pulling from everything within me, including the peace in the middle of all of this that keeps peeking through, and I'm going to channel everything I have into recovering - fully - forever. And I'm going to work so hard that they will see I'm going to be OK to go home. I will.So I'm seizing every moment, doing every assignment, and attempting to glean from every conversation.I think last week caught up with me. Around 8:30 last night, I started feeling like I'd been hit by a truck.I was asleep by about 9:45PM and only woke up once until about 6:15AM. I've still been so, so tired today.I will probably need to do the same thing tonight._____________________________Today felt very productive with back to back individual sessions with Mrs. Daugette and Mrs. Gamin. I love them both. I wish we could do those every day.It's hard to find as much value in group. Groups are good, and I love hearing from the other ladies. But individuals are far more helpful.But the individual sessions were really good today. Mostly introductory, but I left feeling really good after both.____________________________I'm still so anxious about the food. I'm kind of disgusted with myself, because it tastes so good. And if they could go on at just this amount, I could be solid - no worries. I think.But I know they're going to only increase, because I'm the one at the table with the least amount on my plate.And my stomach hurts so badly. It's hard as a rock and makes gurgling noises constantly.My hands have been swollen, too.I wish I could just skip through this part. It's such an awful feeling.I'm working hard to identify ED thoughts and challenge them, but I don't know that I'm fully able to identify them as of yet. They're all jumbled together. And seem real.Like, what these girls are eating is way more than what ladies eat in the real world.My fear is that we won't ever be able to cut it back down once weight is restored. It just makes more sense to just restore slowly by eating normal portions, even if it takes longer, so that there's consistency in food choices and servings.Their argument is that they are normal portions; I just can't see it.But if that were true, we'd all be eating the same thing. But some are clearly on a restoring regimen, and that scares me. That's not how I want to do it. Ugghhhhh....
SEPTEMBER 1, 2016
Today was somehow a little easier. We had to evacuate to Albany, GA, for Hurricane Andrew. So maybe it's been that we got away from the treatment facility for a bit? Or it could be the unlimited phone time we've been given!!! The cabin is beautiful. It feels good to be out. I had another session with Mrs. Gamin before we left this morning. I'm not sure how I feel about it. We talked about an incident that happened on the bus when I was in Middle School. After the first time I talked about it with my home therapist, it was so heavy all night and into the next week.But I don't feel like that this time. In fact, I almost feel numb to it. Maybe that's good?And I also feel anxious about putting all these pieces together and the time we have to do it in. At this rate, we won't get through it all. So I wonder if I need to prioritize the experiences I share. But how on earth do I do that when I feel like I've processed all of them? Clearly I haven't fully, since something is still causing the eating disorder. Maybe I'll work on the timeline they suggested I put together and let her help me with that information.I was thankful for another session with Mrs. Gamin, though. Two ladies went home today. These are the two I connected most with; I hated to see them go. It also makes me feel extremely jealous - happy for them - but oh, how I would love for that to be me!! One of the ladies was such an encourager. She is the one who spoke the truth I needed to hear as she lovingly encouraged me to settle in, because I needed to be here, and to take advantage of every minute and every activity. I needed to hear that. I was able to meet with Ms. Merritt, the dietician, today. I wanted to ask her about there being so much food and why it wouldn't make more sense to gain weight gradually while eating normally. She insisted that this was the eating disorder talking and said that I don't know what normal is anymore. I'm so worried about this part of the process:(The good thing about eating is that I'm not losing my balance as much any more when I stand, and I just overall feel better.I'm not sure why, but there's a part of me that feels anxious about that. Maybe even a little bit guilty. I really would like to know why. Why would I feel guilty about not being light-headed anymore, etc.?? Or my hands not tingling anymore??Maybe it has something to do with knowing these things are happening because the weight is beginning to come back??? Or maybe it’s feeling I don’t deserve to feel good. Hands down, the best part of the day was getting the cards from my husband and children. Oh my - that was SO GOOD for my soul!!!
SEPTEMBER 2, 2016
Tonight, I feel a little bit down. A lot down, actually. I just FaceTimed the family. It seems like it's been years since I've seen them. And they feel so far away. It seems that the last two days at treatment have been completely unproductive because of the hurricane. And now it's the weekend, which they say is so much less structured. And then Monday is a holiday....My emotions today have swung back and forth and in between with thoughts that I need to be here and get well - to they jumped the gun and exaggerated the severity because I was just fine - to being exhausted by making one short lap around the cabins and disgusted with our laziness - to feeling panicked because I can feel the weight beginning to pile on. I don't feel good about any of it tonight. I worked on my timeline today for about 4 hours. It's still far from done. I can't figure out how to get everything on there orderly and legibly.I haven't cried much at all today, but I feel pretty down. I cried while talking to the kids and made them cry.I just feel gross physically, tired again without reason, homesick, and frustrated from being unproductive for two days.I hope I wake up tomorrow with a fresh perspective.We're supposed to leave in the morning to go back to the facility right after breakfast.Maybe tomorrow will be more productive than anyone realizes??
SEPTEMBER 3, 2016
Well, today has been as unproductive as yesterday, and it doesn't sound like Sunday or Monday will be much better since Monday is Labor Day.I've honestly been mad about it this afternoon. It seems like a complete waste of time.And I'm a little anxious; I'm almost 25% through my stay, and 50% of that time has been nothing.I guess it's a benefit that I'm eating better, but since the roots of the eating disorder aren't being uplifted, I'm not sure that does much good.We're down to 6 girls in residential, and 3 move to partial hospitalization next week. I'm secretly hoping that means we'll get more intensive one on one therapy.Although at this point, I'd settle for anything. In the group session we had today, we talked about anxiety.I realized I have a lot more anxiety than I've ever acknowledged. I'm guessing it has something to do with guilt, pride, and associations.It just feels sinful to be anxious since we're told not to be.But I guess God knew that would be a part of our nature, or He wouldn't have told us what to do when we feel that way. Anyway, I may need to just be more open about times when I'm feeling anxiety so that the people around me during that time understand more about my actions and reactions.________________________________Last Monday morning feels like such a distant time ago. It hasn't even been a week, but it feels like so much longer. My heart is there with my family, but my body is here, and that hurts so, so badly.That, coupled with unproductive days, is absolutely miserable.
SEPTEMBER 4, 2016
I was sure I was more an imposition than an inspiration.
The rigorous self-denial of anorexia still appealed to me and gave me a sense of power and control, even if that was only control over my own body.
At the same time, I was scared to be well - because getting "well" meant that I'd be putting on weight. What if in gaining weight in order to be well, things got out of hand?
I feel like I'm on the edge of some breakthrough to being at peace with God, but I can't actually get there.
My very soul was tired of this fight, and the stakes were too high.
A lesser love would have given up on me long ago, but I was blessed to be surrounded with family and friends fueled by the unconditional love of Christ.
In spite of my outward resistance, something in me was grateful for her words. I guess I was at least willing to admit to myself that I was drowning.
Nothing I ever do or achieve will make me self-sufficient.
With anorexic behaviors, I felt a sense of personal control - even when my world turned upside down.
I needed God to work supernaturally, because I wasn't able to help myself.
I refused to be idle for one minute. It made me feel worthless and lazy, a dangerously similar feeling to how I felt in the eating order.
The idols of pride, self-sufficiency, and hunger for approval glittered before me.
I'm reading a book called The Predatory Lies of Anorexia: A Survivor's Story, by Abby Kelly. I don't know that anything has ever resonated so deeply!! I just couldn't stop reading. The above ideas/quotes/thoughts are from Abby's writing. It's amazing the connection you feel and the hunger you have when you find someone on your same level, right where you are. It felt so good and was so helpful. Today has been pretty unproductive, AGAIN. We went to church this morning after breakfast. It made me extra thankful for my church at home - music and message-wise. But it was nice to get out.We did have a group session tonight on identity.I also saw the psychiatrist, Dr. Chason, for the first time. She's a straight-shooter, but also very kind. Those two don't often go together.And I've had so many calories today!! I know I'm gaining weight, and it feels so terrible. I know in my head that at some point, I have to begin to restore, but I so wish I could do it with foods with which I'm comfortable.Today, I was way out of my comfort zone with way too many calories over all, but also being required to eat turkey sausage, a wrap with chicken and tons of cheese, and macaroni and cheese.I feel so anxious about those foods and hate knowing I'm gaining. This is the worst part about the process.. I have had dreams over the last two nights. Not of things that actually happened, but they seemed so real. They involved people I know. And it was very uncomfortable.Both nights, I woke up to my roommates waking me up because I was yelling out in my sleep. I just want this treatment to work. I don't want to minimize if incidents truly were traumatic, but I also would be horrified if I learned I'd made something more than it really was. I'd be so ashamed and disgusted with myself.I just want to figure out all of this and put all of the pieces together and not force any pieces to fit where they don't belong so I can truly be rid of this awful curse of an eating disorder once and for all.I feel like I have one chance to do this. 25% of that time is gone, and I don't feel like I'm any closer to being well.