Treatment Truths: Week 2

September 5, 2016

I just finished dinner; it had twice as many calories as I'm used to consuming in an entire day!  I feel awful, disgusting...you name it.I know I am gaining weight, and that feels awful.  And I can't stop the automatic counting of calories.My stomach is so bloated and hard as a brick.  I asked the nurse for something, so she's adding prunes to my evening snack regimen.  Of course I asked if that would count as a fruit exchange, but she said it doesn't.  Fabulous - even more calories per day.We have to eat the food that's placed before us, without discussion.  And I know ultimately, that's what's going to make me better, but I just want to gain gradually and make my own food choices.I'm almost done with my timeline.  I think I'll probably finish it tonight.  I hope it's helpful to me and to Mrs. Gamin.  I'm hoping it helps her know what we need to talk about since I won't have enough sessions with her to talk through everything.I already feel like the timeline has been really helpful to me. I worry I've left important things off of it, but at least it's a start.It's hard to believe I'm completing day 8 here on both ends of the spectrum.  When I think back to my state of mind a week ago today, it seems like eons ago - and it still scares me to think about the place where I was.It feels like months ago since I said goodbye to my sweet husband and precious children.  My heart hurts at the remembrance.  I may get to see them this weekend!!  I'm so very excited at the thought of that but also really, really scared.I feel so guilty that they'll have 5 hours in round trip travel time just to be here for 2 hours with nothing to do.  I don't want coming to see me to be a negative thing in any way.  I don't want them to feel obligated.  But I'm DYING to see them.Today we had four group sessions!  Yay for a productive day!  I think I have Mrs. Gamin tomorrow, and I'm excited about that.I'm so stuck counting calories and feeling heavy.  It's not that I think I'm fat, but I know I'm gaining weight.  That just brings so many emotions.  And it feels awful! 

September 6, 2016

Day 9Dear Friend,I know I say thank you often for all that your friendship means to me, but I've never been more thankful than now.I don't know a time in my life when I've ever fallen so low.  And the fact that you still love me and are still supporting me just blows my mind.  Because you don't have to, but you still do.Your cards for each day get me up and going in the mornings.  I won't let myself open it until I finish vitals, weight, and get dressed.  So it's extra motivation to get up and get it done.Then, I take it with my Bible out to the rocker on the porch to read it.  So far, it's made me cry every time, but it's a good cry.  It feels so good to be reminded every day of a promise from God, His love, and your love.We have to write and share an affirmation of the day each morning in opening.  I always get mine from my daily card and then put it on the inside of my binder from where I work all day.Then I spend time reading from my Bible that you gave me, which I love, and writing what God says to me or brings to mind in the journal section.  It's a really special part of each day.I wish I could say I'm doing awesome and that things are fantastic.  There are a lot of positives I can share.The girls here are so sweet and so encouraging.The team is amazing.We always have two therapists with us for everything - from processing meals to group sessions to elimination to just sitting with us while we journal and do required reading and homework to literally every minute we're awake until lights out is called.They watch from a distance and process with you after phone time.  They even stand outside the door, listening for you to count and log your elimination.  All privacy is gone.While the independent spirit in me struggles at times, I'm learning to be appreciative of the full time support.  And I need it after most phone calls and meals and snacks.  I usually get pulled a time or two each day to talk with one of them because of my tears, just to check in.  It is intrusive, but it is helpful.Then there's a medical doctor that we see once a week followed by labs, a psychiatrist we see on Sundays, 2 individual therapists we see 3-4x per week, a nurse who's here at all times, a dietician who we see 1-2x per week individually, a dietary staff that preps meals for us, and 2-4 therapist assistants.And since they can't be here all day every day, there are about 3 teams who rotate so that we always have this level of support.  That's a lot of people!  They almost all seem to genuinely want to be here and look for opportunities to help us.Every day, I feel like my thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and emotions are on the fastest roller coaster in the world.  In some moments, I feel so encouraged and like recovery is possible.  And then I sit down for a snack or a meal, and everything turns upside down.I want so badly to trust the team.  I really do.  But I just don't believe that I'm really so out of touch with reality that I don't know what a normal amount of food is.  And I eat more in one meal that I ate in two whole days before coming here.And in addition to fats found naturally in foods, they add to that!!  Like putting butter on bread or potatoes or rice...it makes me panic.  My brain automatically begins to calculate calories and add to the day's caloric tally.  I just want to burst into tears or run away as fast as I can or both.But you can't do that here.  And I surely don't want to make it more difficult for the other girls.  It just feels so scary for it to be taken out of my control.Actually, scary is just one way it feels.And I can feel the weight coming back on me - like literally feel it.  And that scares me so much.  It scares me even more to know that I don't know why it's so scary to me.Over the weekend, I got so discouraged because of the level of inactivity going on due to the storm.  And I began wondering why I was even here to begin with when I was doing just fine.  I would have eventually eaten more.I realized I'd been here for a week, and other than the food I'm being forced to eat, I don't feel any differently.  I'm 25% through the program and still am terrified to eat, extremely anxious and afraid of the fact that I'm gaining weight, and have had 5 unproductive days in a row due to the hurricane and weekend.I've tried so hard to keep my promise to you and have worked as hard as I know to work.  I don't use any free time but rather work continuously on my binders, homework, individual assignments, journaling, required and suggested reading, etc.I try to squeeze every last ounce of goodness out of each processing session, group therapy, and individual sessions.  I'm trying to look at things openly and honestly.And I feel stuck.I've come to the place several times over the last week where I've wondered if maybe I do need to be here.  But within a few hours, my brain has reminded me of why I don't belong here.And then the guilt sets in for what I've done to my family with having to be here and for not fixing this on my own.I could go on and on about the ferris wheel in my mind that won't stop...And then TODAY happened.  And even as I write this, I'm reminded of how God goes before us and makes a way.Today, I had individual sessions with Mrs. Gamin and Ms. Merritt (the dietician).  They spoke very bluntly but directly to me, but in love and with care and concern.Mrs. Gamin asked how I was doing, about the weekend, etc., so I shared with her my struggles, especially about the food and feeling like I didn't need to be here.She validated my feelings as real, but countered them with a reminder that the eating disorder in me is fighting for its life, because it is being challenged.  She said it is going to fight with me day and night to convince me of all of those things in order to survive.Mrs. Gamin is the one who asked me to work on my timeline.  I probably spent at least 8-10 hours on it.  I may have gotten carried away.  It ended up being about 5 pages taped end to end, and I color-coded it.  I was really careful to phrase things loosely/not too strongly and used the words "potentially inappropriate" for incidents that are questionable.It may have been one of the most helpful things I've ever done.  I'm not sure all the years are exactly right, and I'm sure that I've forgotten some things, but all-in-all, something felt so good about putting it all down in somewhat of a chronological order.Anyway, I gave it to her today.  Last week, I asked her to edit the wording on my treatment plan to not include the word "abuse."  As she looked at my timeline, even with generally loose terms, she said she had to challenge why I would not call a number of these incidents abuse.  She began with the abduction that she feels happened twice and listed several other things on the timeline which she only is taking for face value.She said there was no way these things could all be covered here and would likely require work with another trauma therapist when I get home for up to year.She also pulled out my treatment plan where my diagnosis was documented as "Anorexia Nervosa, Restricting Type, Extreme," which she said is the most serious and severe classification that can be given (extreme).  The plan also had a diagnosis of recurrent clinical depression.She told me that this is a medical facility, equivalent to hospital-level care, and they are held accountable by law to diagnose patients with accuracy and precision.  They cannot exaggerate.She told me that my BMI was at a very serious place.  At any moment, my heart could have stopped or gone into arrest.She said that my insurance went through with 0 complications, and that is almost never the case.Her point, in the end, was that there was no question as to the state of my health.She said that maybe I didn't need to feel guilty about being here, and maybe I did work as hard as I knew to work at home, but the disease was bigger than I would ever be able to battle on my own.I've had two really bad nightmares since working on my timeline.  She said that should be an indicator to me, along with everything else, that what's happening inside me says I'm not ok.While she couldn't give me numbers, she said that the feeling I have of weight gain is irrational, because it's fluctuated ever so slightly, as does everyone's, that it doesn't even register for them as gained.  Which means my thoughts about my intake are irrational.My vision is distorted, according to the team, of how I look.Mrs. Gamin added that the challenge for me is that I'm still struggling with my past in addition to current stressors and the eating disorder.  But we're going to take it one piece at a time.I'm sure all of these things have been said to me multiple times over the last few months.  But something about the way she said it and seeing the official treatment plan left me speechless.And then I saw the dietician right after my session with Mrs. Gamin.  She said almost the same exact things when I shared my anxiety about my meals and that my body would probably handle food differently than others.  She also pulled out the treatment plan and reminded me of the severe diagnosis.She threw in a lot of scientific research and said there's always a possibility I'll defy all the odds.  More than likely, though, it wouldn't begin with me.  And science/scientific processes do not lie.They both, in the end, asked me to let go, trust them, and acknowledge that the eating disorder voice is too loud for me to hear beyond.  But I can fight it, and eventually it will grow quieter.  And full recovery is possible.I wish I could adequately describe how things happened today.  I've been so stuck, but today I felt a breakthrough of some kind.Maybe I am in a really bad place, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  And maybe I'm not in the place I should be spiritually.  But maybe that's OK.Maybe it's OK to acknowledge that there is abuse in my past.  It certainly could have been much worse, but it still wasn't all good and has affected me.Maybe I really did fight this as hard as I could on my own, and it really was just too much.Maybe it's not bad for me to be here.I learned today that I really have been covering and hiding eating disorder thoughts and behaviors for 20+ years.  That's a lot to undo.So I just want to be OK with being in this place right now and work every minute of every day to do my part as God does a work in me.  Because I want to be healed and healthy and whole in every way.Today was a really hard day with things I had to hear, but a really good one, too, because of what I took away.  And I wanted you to know.  Don't stop praying!We're getting ready for dinner, and the anxiety and fear is building inside me as usual, because I've already had way too many calories today.  But I'm going to trust that is the eating disorder fighting inside me since Ms. Merritt said it's not a bite more than I need right now.I will trust.The mail just came.  Thank you for the card!  I love getting mail.  Happy tears - your love and support mean the world to me!Ugh....just ate dinner.  I think I take it all back.I guess not really.  It's just hard.  So hard.I hate what's going through my mind and the way I feel.My meal plan got changed this afternoon.  And what that means is SO SCARY.But I will do my absolute best to keep fighting and try so hard to trust, even though everything in me is telling me otherwise about food right now.  And I'm so afraid of the weight gain!I miss you so very much.  I miss our talks and laughs and hugs.  I can't say thank you enough for how you're helping my family right now while I'm gone.I love you and thank God for you every day.  You're always listed on my "I'm grateful for" section of one of my homework pages.Thank you for loving me, even through all of my mess.Love,Amie

September 7, 2016

Today was another hard day but good day.I had a bone density scan this morning, then art group followed by a body image group.  I learned that body image is not really about appearance at all, but rather our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes (most of which we learned very young) that shape what we think of our bodies.Then we had lunch, and I had an afternoon session with Ms. Freeman.I shared a little bit about the last few years, and she talked about foundational concepts from which the eating disorder is rooted.She also gave me a sheet to help me begin identifying eating disorder thoughts and behaviors.Then I had a session with Mrs. Daugette, and it was so good.We talked about various things.  One of the most helpful things she said was that I tend to see things in black and white.  But the black and white thinking may be prohibiting me from properly dealing with feelings about my past.It doesn't have to be black and white.  I can look at my past and feel thankful for all the blessings but still feel sad about the bad things that happened.It reminded me of what Mrs. Gamin said yesterday.  She shared a story about two veterans who lost their leg.  One lost it right above the knee, and the other lost it right below the knee.  But you wouldn't say that the one who lost it below the knee shouldn't say he didn't lose his leg or only feel badly for the one who lost more of his leg.Mrs. Daugette said, "What if I had stage 4 cancer, and you had stage 2 cancer.  Would that mean you would turn away the care and concern of others and/or say you don't have cancer because someone else is at a level 4?"  That resonated even further.It was making sense.  Just because the things that happened to me were not as bad as things that happened to others doesn't mean that they weren't bad.  And it still falls under the category of abuse, even though it could have been worse.  I need to call it what it is.We also talked a lot about eating disorder thoughts and anxieties with food/weight/etc.  She reminded me of the classification of my level of anorexia and shared that there are measurable criteria which have to be met in order to reach that classification.  Because I meet those criteria, it means that I'm not able to think clearly right now, and my view of me is distorted.And that means I have to trust them even more through this, understanding it will get better.  But it's not normal right now.So when I feel those things, I need to challenge them with healthy truths.And I am trying.  It's just not working right now.We talked about being OK with not being OK.  She wants me to know that there's a lot of good that is OK with me right now.  She said the fact that I've been able to carry such a load for so long and survive says there's a lot that's OK with me.  And that made me feel really good, somehow....I guess since I have to be reminded so often about all that's distorted and irrational in my mind.I leveled up to Level 2 today!  More phone time and a weekend, on-site visit!! 

September 8, 2016

I'm having another good day of therapy, excluding meals and snacks.I met the horses this morning.  They were beautiful the way the sun shined on them in the field!  I didn't get to paint on them, because I was pulled for an individual session with Dr. Brogdon.  I have to admit that I wasn't too disappointed.  And they said we would paint on Monday since so many were absent.Dr. Brogdon is so, so sweet.  I enjoyed talking with her.  It was refreshing and encouraging.I then had two group sessions.  Ms. Freeman led one on cognitive distortions, and Ms. Kugler led a group on positive affirmations.It's always good to talk about eating disorder-related topics and hear the conversation of others who are where I am.Ms. Freeman is definitely my favorite group therapist.We have music this afternoon.  Sometimes those sessions are good; sometimes they're ridiculous when we spend 45 minutes doing random things like making new words and playing hide and seek with instruments.  Then she makes this long, far stretched parallel to the eating disorder.  Makes me crazy.But I love when we take a Christian song and talk about how we relate to it.I just finished my first family session with my husband.  It went really well.  I'm so thankful for him and how he encourages me.  I'm also thankful for my home dietician's "Family, Friends, and Loved Ones" meeting two weeks ago.  That seemed to turn his attitude around completely.  Maybe it was also hearing from her that residential was coming, although I didn't know it at the time, and that help was on the horizon that helped soften his heart.Whatever it was, I'm grateful!  He seems to be back where he was after we began couples counseling earlier this year, and it feels so good.I'm so, so excited to see my family this weekend!  Although I'm still a little nervous about it.  I just don't want them to feel obligated or be disappointed when they get here.  I want it to be a positive experience for them so they don't associate negativity with visiting me.But I want to see them so badly!  It feels so, so long ago since I've seen them!Ms. Merritt just told me that my meal plan is increasing again this week.  She said that she'd met with the medical team and staff, including Dr. Brogdon, and they all agree that even that is not enough and have to add supplements in addition to the increase.I begged her to reconsider.  But she said that was the eating disorder talking and that I'm just not in a healthy, stable place right now.  They have to keep me safe.  I just don't understand that.I asked if it was because I wasn't gaining as fast as they wanted, and she said it wasn't really about that.  My body just has to have the extra nutrients to be able to properly function.Something just feels so wrong about eating really high calorie foods just for that reason.  I don't need extra nutrients when I'm eating proper meals.  So it has to be about calories, which is attached to weight.Mrs. Gamin did say that they would add supplements when they're ready for me to gain weight.  So here we go.I'm so afraid.  I want to dig in my heels and put the brakes on.  Why can't I continue with therapy and just eat a normal amount to maintain?! Dear Sweet Girl,The dietician asked to speak with me a few minutes ago.  I thought it was a little odd since we didn't have a scheduled session.  She needed to tell me that they have to increase my meal plan again and that in addition to food, they have to add a supplement.  They already increased my plan once this week, so it was really hard for me to hear.  I am trusting that they know best, but it's still really hard.I came out of the room trying really hard not to cry.  When I walked out, a therapist said, "Here's your mail," and handed me your letter.Just seeing your name in the return address made my heart feel so good.  So good.And then I sat down to read it and couldn't stop crying.  It is absolutely, hands down, the sweetest, most favorite card I've ever received.I am absolutely speechless when I think about the time you took to make it and the maturity and wisdom in the content.And do you know what??  God used YOU to meet a big need in my life this afternoon.I came out of that room feeling afraid and defeated and a little hopeless.  God knew that would be happening and planned your card to arrive at just the right time, with just the words I needed to read and the truths of which I needed to be reminded.I'm so thankful for you and so touched that you went to such an effort to do that and so very proud of the way you love Jesus and are living for Him.I also know that you don't just throw out the words "I love you" flippantly.  You don't say them unless you mean them..  My hearts melts into 100 pieces when you say that or write that to me, because I know you mean what you say with those words.So thank you for telling me that.  And I pray you know that I love you with all of my heart, and I'm beyond proud of the amazing, strong, beautiful, Godly girl that you are.Thank you again for the card - you'll never, ever know how much it means to me.  And thank you for allowing yourself to be used of God to encourage me.I promise I'm working as hard as I know to work, and I'm trusting God and leaning into His strength as best I know how.I will not give up; I know God is healing me.  Thank you for praying for me and encouraging me and loving me anyway, even though this is so hard.I love you so much.

September 10, 2016

I didn't write yesterday.  My heart and mind have really been struggling with the meal plan increase.I can now see the weight gain in my arms.  I can feel it all over - stomach, face, legs, arms - but the change is visible in my arms. And that makes me feel gross, out of control, sad, anxious...I hate it so much.  It's awful.  And I don't know what to do.I want to trust the system, but I don't trust this part of it at all.I did have a good session with Mrs. Daugette yesterday.I also had a short session with Ms. Freeman and Ms. Merritt.  They were just checking in with me since the meal plan increase.Ms. Freeman did an awesome group on sabotaging your recovery.  Ms. Musgrave and Ms. G did groups as well, but they weren't fantastic.Today, I got to see my precious family.  Oh my - when I saw them pull up, the tears began.  My heart!  I couldn't get out there fast enough!Of course Ms. G had lots of steps to impede the process, but when I finally got out there, hugs never felt so good!!!My worries about the kids being bored were unfounded and didn't come to fruition.  They seemed to be fine.My field trip this morning was to Books-A-Million, and I was able to get the kids some little things.  I loved being able to give them to them.We talked and walked and laughed and colored and played and cried.    It was SO GOOD to see them, but it was also so hard to say goodbye.  We all cried.And watching them drive away was so painful.And then I came in and sat right down to that ridiculous snack.And now I'm missing them terribly, I'm sad, I'm disappointed that there was no therapy today, and I feel absolutely disgusting with the weight I've gained and completely panicked about the weight to come.So I feel a little hopeless and a lot anxious tonight about the future.I want to do all of this except for the meal plan.  I'll do all the therapy, groups, try new ideas and ways of thinking... But I cannot gain weight this fast.  I just can't.I don't know what to do, because if I don't comply, I'm out of the program.And I can't do that to my family.And this is an awful, miserable way to feel.I'm praying I'll feel differently in the morning. 

September 11, 2016

Well, I don't feel differently.  I feel so gross.  I can see the weight accumulating so fast.I hate squeezing fat, and I hate that I can see and feel it.They are making this happen way too fast, and I'm not OK with it.  But there's nothing I can do about it.And I am only on Day 14.  I'm going to be as big as the side of a house when I leave.I feel done and pretty frustrated and hopeless about the process going into this week.We had a group session this morning and one this evening where we listed highs and lows (AM) and made a grateful box (PM).  So yeah - not productive today.Tonight, I just want to rent a car and drive home.  I feel like I would keep eating like a normal person and gain weight appropriately, slowly.  And I'd have my treatment team at home.But then my family would be so disappointed in me.I feel fat and stuck and panicked.  I know I'm not really fat, but I'm gaining so fast that I will be soon.And what if I can't stop eating all the extra after I'm weight-restored???Agh....And my sweet family - I want to be with them...