The Man in the Ditch

eating disorder recovery, anorexia, eating disorder, recovery, inspirational quotes, Good Samaritan, eating disorders quotes

I've been waiting for an epiphanic moment to come to me for a new blog post. To be honest, I'm just not getting one. So here's to the worst opening blog paragraph ever.Last month, I posted a letter I wrote to girls in treatment in honor of what God did in my life at residential treatment. But I didn't give an update of sorts from the previous post, "Lurking Within Me," and I feel like that's due. Since "putting to death" the eating disorder that was lurking within me, by the grace of God I can tell you that things have been very different.From that day forward, I have not {intentionally} missed even one exchange. Even though it's only been 6 weeks or so, that's a long time to go without an intentional slip. It's definitely a record for me. God is so very good.The first week I went back to my dietician, she was so encouraged by the complete surrender that I shared with her. She challenged me to keep pushing forward. And I did.Over the next week, my dear friend, who also holds me accountable for meals and snacks, sweetly told me that even though she was so proud of how well I was doing, she was still worried. She was concerned I was still losing weight and asked that I please bring that up with the dietician.My dietician does blind weights (where I turn around so I can't see the number) every week upon my arrival. At my next follow up, the dietician recorded the weight and asked about my week. I explained how surprised I was that I was actually doing it. That the thoughts and feelings have been miserable, but turning back is not an option. And something felt so different about recovery now.Being so sweet, she rejoiced with me in the victory and told me how proud of me she was. She reviewed the pictures of meals and snacks I'd taken through the week (for accountability). And I shared my friend's concern with her.She took a deep breath and said that my friend was right. Even though she could see I was working so hard and doing what I thought was meeting all the exchanges over the last two weeks, I was still not even maintaining.I wish there was a video in my brain when things like this happen. It's beyond comprehension or description. The eating disorder is over the moon excited, and sweet peace and comfort rush through my entire being. It feels SO good. I'm safe, I'm safe, this is amazing, thank You God....and on and on.But just as quickly my recovered mind jumps in and challenges all of that. Amie, this is not OK. You know it might feel safe to keep moving backwards on the scale, but we know that feelings aren't facts. And the truth is your body cannot afford to lose weight. You are not like other people. This is not amazing, and thank You God for allowing me to see this.And then it's back and forth and back and forth, even while my dietician is talking over the roar in my head.My dietician told me that the eating disorder had twisted what proper exchanges are in my mind. Although I was including all of them in my meals and snacks, I wasn't plating enough of each one.That really was devastating to hear. Because I honestly was doing everything I knew to do to SURRENDER which meant sticking to the meal plan religiously.So while that crazy war raged on in my head, I sat in the chair across from her desk and cried. I really couldn't believe what I was hearing.How could this be possible? How could my mind have twisted proper serving sizes in that short amount of time? I said with a clear conscience and all certainty that I truly thought I was doing everything right.My dietician believed me and was so encouraging. She confirmed that this was not an eating disorder win. We just needed to make some corrections and act accordingly.Still, I walked out feeling pretty defeated. Thankfully I saw my therapist next, and he was encouraging as well. There was still so much good happening.So I made the corrections and returned the following week to hear the good news that my weight had stabilized and was no longer going down. I was intentional about making sure I shut out the eating disordered thoughts and remembered that this truly was good news, despite the disorder's mental battering.The next week was pretty much the same, as was my weight. The dietician said that it was time to begin supplements for the purpose of weight restoration (which is just a nice term for weight gain).Seriously. No words. I guess I knew this was coming eventually, but I pushed the thought away as long as I could.This is another one of those things that's almost impossible to explain. It's not about food. It's not about feeling fat. It's just the concept itself. It feels SO scary. And impossible. And I fear that I will be too much.It's what the eating disorder does to your mind. It's the mental disorder part. I have to be active about challenging those fears, even while I'm still afraid, but they persist.This is my fault; I know that. I was at a point in my recovery that I knew better. I knew how to identify the thoughts and had the tools to change the behaviors. Rather than doing either of those things, I stopped following my meal plan. I restricted. I enjoyed the "safety and peace" that comes along with embracing those behaviors. This is a natural consequence. But - as always - the eating disorder complicates everything, including this.So on top of the thoughts I'm challenging for properly nourishing my body and eating complete meals and snacks, supplements are brought into the picture with all of their fears....Along with the physical discomfort of your body soaking in and holding onto every ounce it gets because it doesn't know when the restriction will begin again (it probably wouldn't believe me if I told it I would never restrict again.) When digestion and metabolism are compromised, and especially when your body has been abused on such an extreme level in recent months, what happens is not comfortable. Throwing in supplements intensifies all of it.And this is the first time I've had to restore outside of treatment. It's a whole different ballgame. There was so much support in residential. There was constant accountability. There was no way out of it doing it. But they held you up and carried you through it. And now it's the opposite of that.It's misery on emotional, mental, and physical levels.But there's no other option. I won't turn back.A week later, I was back in my dietician's chair across from her desk after blind weights, pouring my heart out to her about so many things that were causing hurt right now and the horrid feelings that I can't seem to push away resulting from completing my meal plan and supplements. She listened with much empathy and tried to encourage me in how well I was doing.Just as I thought it was time to walk out, she said that there was one more thing we needed to talk about. Even though my weight was not continuing to go down, it also wasn't going up. We needed to add more supplement.Really?!?!At first I (or rather the eating disorder) tried to find a way out or get more time.I finally conceded that I didn't like it, but I would do whatever she said I needed to do, trusting she knows best.And I bit my bottom lip so hard as I walked out, choking back the sobs. Over a stupid additional supplement, or so the eating disorder told me.When I got to my car, it all came out.On top of the eating disorder struggles, there are many things in just about every area of my life that are causing deep hurt right now. So deep. I feel it in a crazy-strong way. And I do not like it. At all. In fact, it terrifies me.And all of it put together just felt like too much.Here's the ugly truth - this is where I miss the eating disorder SO MUCH, as ridiculous as that sounds, because it took me away from the reality of pain. And I don't want to feel this pain.Feelings of loss for the eating disorder (it even feels weird to type, but it's real) just adds to the large pile of difficult emotions. I do not want to feel these things.But I am fully committed to complete recovery and refuse to take back what I gave to Jesus, no matter how much my fleshly nature wants it right now. It is gone.I usually meet with my therapist right after I meet with the dietician, but we were not planning to meet that day.I cried all the way home, pouring my heart out to God about how much I just hurt and how awful this restoration period feels.I'm not sure why, but the last couple of weeks have also brought many feelings of shame and disgust with myself. I've felt like I'm a burden to everyone. That I'm a person who exhausts others. That I frustrate everyone or have made them upset with me. I really can't explain it. It's just this feeling I get. It pops up every couple of months and lasts a few weeks, then dulls a while and comes back again.But that typically leads to trouble for me. I pull back and try not to bother or burden or frustrate or upset anyone. Because I just cannot stand the thought. I play strong. But in doing so, I keep everything inside. And the eating disorder thrives in isolation. Which means its voice is even louder, and the disgust for myself continues to grow.Thankfully, I was able to see my therapist on Thursday, and I tried to describe the way I was feeling that I could only explain as "off." I just feel really off. Something's not right. I'm feeling almost robotic. And I hurt. Oh my gosh I hurt. And I hate it so much. And it scares me. And I want to get away from it, but I can't. It's awful. I can't stand it.And then I tried to explain how I was so frustrated with myself. I can't get my stuff together. I'm frustrating everyone around me. And I can tell that they're upset about something. And I am SO TIRED of being such a burden. I hate it!We camped out there for a while. He said I need to figure out what terrifies me so much about feeling pain or really strong negative emotions. I'm still working on that... But he also wanted to know why I just can't stand the thought of being a burden and why I worry about that so much.I don't know if I'm ever going to figure that one out. I mean, doesn't everyone hate it with a passion? Pretty sure.How do you describe why you hate it so much? What is it that makes you feel so disgusted with yourself and selfish when you feel you are a burden?So very often in my life, I have been a burden. As a child, as a teenager, as a young adult, and as a..... we'll just say regular adult since I'm not ready to face what comes after young. And I don't recall ever feeling OK with it. I worked (and presently work) so hard to avoid being a burden, but it seems to happen anyway. And with each passing year, I've hated it more and more.Perhaps some of it is pride? I battle wanting to be self-sufficient. I don't want to need anything from anyone, and I certainly don't want to be a bother to them. The truth is that I am not sufficient. But Christ is, and because of Him, I am enough.Even though I know the truth, I'm sure that old pride (or self-worship, as some call it) slips in from time to time.But there's still this icky, uncomfortable feeling that comes with it, outside of that. It actually panics me a little bit, too. Upon realization that I'm being burdensome, I feel like I have to correct it immediately. Perhaps it's because I'm overly concerned about the way people see me. And I feel as if I've somehow overstepped a boundary.I just can't handle the thought of being an inconvenience to anyone or being the cause of their discomfort. It's horrible to realize you're making someone go out of their way for any reason or cause them any negative feelings. That would be selfish and lazy and unthoughtful, all of which are completely unacceptable for me.On my drive home after the session, my thoughts drifted back to this time almost a year ago. I was in a residential treatment facility sitting on the couch in the common area in tears. I had just gotten off the phone with my family.Ms. Owens, a therapist, came to me to ask what was the matter, and I explained the horrible guilt and sadness I was feeling for having to be away in treatment while my husband shouldered everything and my children had to be without their mom.My husband had an awful chest cold, and he had recently been diagnosed with Shingles. There was school and homework and rehearsals and church and laundry and meals and grocery shopping and baths and as you know, the list goes on and on. Multiplied by 4 of all ages, in three different schools. Oh yeah - plus his full time job an hour away from home, communicating with the treatment facility, participating in family sessions, traveling for visits, and getting the family together in one place for mom's timed ten-minute phone call at a specified time.It was so much. I was a horrible burden. And it wasn't fair. I was the cause of all of the struggle and difficulty and pain.And. I. Hated. It.Like really hated it. And I was desperate to do anything to fix it.I hate myself, not just the feeling, when I'm a burden.Yet all I could do in my malnourished and damaged body and mind was sit on that couch three hours away from them and cry.Mrs. Owens said something to me that I'll never forget.

Amie, everybody wants to be the Good Samaritan. But nobody ever wants to be the man in the ditch.

As I thought about her words to me in that moment driving home on Thursday, it occurred to me that at some point, we're all in the ditch. I don't know exactly why it feels so awful, but maybe there's something we can learn about being there, despite the negative feelings that are so uncomfortable.I started to think about the parable....I feel certain the man in the ditch did not enjoy the physical and mental anguish he experienced as he laid there helplessly.When the priest saw him and ignored him, it must have really hurt his feelings.Then the Levite passed him by as well. He was an assistant of sorts to the priest. And he didn't want to help either.If they wouldn't help him, who would??Likely, the fear set in. What would happen to him? Would he ever see his family again? Would he die alone? Would he be eaten by animals? So many scary things...And then the Good Samaritan came along, and to the man's surprise, it looked like he was going to help him.Maybe he was embarrassed to be found that way. Maybe he even felt guilty that the Good Samaritan had to go out of his way and it cost him financially.Perhaps he even worried about what people would say, or for the well-being of the Samaritan.It probably felt impossible for him to see anything good about being in that miserable ditch.BUT....If it weren't for the man in the ditch ("parable-y" speaking), the Good Samaritan might never have felt that special blessing of loving and caring for another. Think of the joy he likely experienced as he sacrificially gave his time, his finances, his strength and energy, his belongings... It could have inspired him to do it more often.I can only imagine what the man in the ditch learned through all of this. The ways he was able to relate to others who were hurting physically. The love that grew in his heart for others who are hurting and desire to be that Good Samaritan to anyone God placed in his path. The amount his faith grew as he realized God delivered him from a hopeless situation.Think of the example the Good Samaritan set for those he passed by on his way to find shelter. That we should give sacrificially to anyone in need, even when they are different from us.Imagine what the innkeeper must have learned from him as he watched this scene unfold before his eyes. I wonder if the innkeeper was inspired to do the same for someone because of what he witnessed on those days. Maybe he began to see others who were different from him in a new light. How many lives did he impact as a result? Perhaps his children watched their father love and care for others from various cultures, religions, and backgrounds and grew up to do the same for those placed in their paths.Who knows.But none of this would have been possible if it weren't for the man in the ditch.And we all have to take our turn.There's a lot of discomfort in the ditch - physically, emotionally, mentally. But I think we can also look for the good.I Peter tells us that the fiery ordeals we endure make us more like Christ. We can reframe our suffering and expectations by remembering that we are identifying with Christ through the pain.We are learning to relate to others and more fully empathize with those who struggle or will struggle in similar ways.How amazing is it that even in the middle of our suffering, God is at work. And we can focus our attention on what He is doing.We don't have to lay there helplessly. We can look around for others who are hurting in the ditch with us. When we focus on helping others the best we are able, it helps take the focus off of our own pain.Sometimes there's not much we can do, and that's OK. Sometimes we really do need someone to scoop us up and care for us until we can stand again on our own. And that's OK, too.I'm preaching to myself here. And I'll need to read this every day for probably a year to even begin to let it sink in my thick skull. It is OK to need help along the way. If I haven't learned that well enough by now....good gracious. But clearly I still need reminders.I don't believe I'm the only person who panics and feels so guilty about being in the ditch. So maybe you can be encouraged by this, too. It's OK to be there!Yesterday, I was talking to my sweet friend about some things, and a lot of it was about not wanting her to think I was this, or worrying that she might think that of me.Part of it was about me being in a really difficult place these last couple of weeks - mostly mentally and emotionally - but it's been pretty painful. And eating disorder struggles have just compounded all of it. I've been trying to cover that up, just in case it might make her or others feel that I'm [what I was worried she might think of me.] And to make sure I was not a burden, because I've been in the ditch so often over the last two years. Surely my time is up and everyone is beyond ready for me to get out of the dirty ditch.She assured me that she did not believe what I was concerned about to be true of me, but then surprised me by asking so what if it was?? What would it change about me or her love for me or our friendship? Without any hesitance, she resolutely replied, "Absolutely nothing."Goodness that feels so safe and secure.And what a beautiful picture of someone who loves as Jesus loves. He doesn't care if we're in the ditch because of our own sin or a sin that has been committed against us. It changes nothing. There is no condemnation. He doesn't see us any differently. His love is steadfast.  He is right there with us. And the safety and security we find in that is indescribable and immeasurable.She also sweetly reminded me that trying to hide where I am right now is certainly not bringing your brokenness. So perhaps I need to do a better job of remembering that what applies to the rest of the world also applies to me. I'm not the exception. It is OK to be broken.Yep. She's right.So coming full circle with the way I began and in practicing vulnerability, as is the goal of Bring Your Brokenness to begin with:It's been an extremely difficult few weeks. I'm still surrendering every day. I'm following my meal plan. I'm completing the stinkin' supplements. But life is painful right now, and eating disorder thoughts are exhausting.I have to admit I'm in a ditch. I'm not incapacitated, and I'm certainly doing my best to do what I can to help others while I'm in the ditch.But I'm definitely in the ditch. I'm hurting and I'm struggling.Tonight I'm challenging the panic and guilt of selfishness. I'm trusting that it's OK to be in the ditch from time to time. I feel like I've been down here forever, but that's not true. And the ditch right now is much shallower than the ditch I was in for a couple of years. I will look for the good and be grateful.I will be grateful for the way God's held me close in the ditch, grateful for the lessons I'll continue to learn while in the ditch, grateful for the people I'm able to empathize with and support because of being in the ditch, grateful for the blessing others will receive from God as they give of themselves to help me while I'm in the ditch (I will say this over and over in my head), grateful for the feeling of being loved as people support me while in the ditch, grateful that I won't be in the ditch forever, and so very thankful that even in the midst of my anguish and hurt while in the ditch, God is at work (Dr. Brunson and Psalm 56).My name is Amie Shields, and I'm the Man in the Ditch this week.And I will be OK with that. Because it is OK.And I will remember God has a plan for me and for others as long as He keeps me here.I pray God uses this to encourage you if you're in the ditch. I'm thankful for the truths of which He's reminded me as I've written. Nothing about being in the ditch is comfortable. But there are things about it that are really good. I want to keep my eyes open for those good things, even amidst the inevitable pain.