It's Happening

Today was a more tearful than most kind of day with the dietician and the therapist. I'm still following the meal plan and completing supplements with consistency. It just feels awful.But I have to do it. I've surrendered the eating disorder to the Lord, and by His grace, I will not take it back. Eating disordered behaviors are no longer an option. Period. No matter what happens in life or how horrible I feel.If only that took away all the accompanying thoughts and distortions. If only real life with all its experiences could be placed on hold.But that's not reality. And I'm proving one day at a time that with God, I can survive difficult emotions and experiences, no matter how deeply they affect me, without using eating disorder behaviors.I had planned to meet someone for dinner before the NEDA community event this evening. Her day didn't go as expected, so we had to postpone. That left me with a couple of hours to kill, and no plan for dinner.Typically, I would just push dinner off till late when I got home if I was out and about by myself. I don't recall ever going into a restaurant and ordering something for just me and eating it alone.But something didn't feel right about pushing dinner out till late tonight. That's not normal eating. My dietician has told me over and over that it's ok to feed myself even if there's no one with me. My body still deserves to be nourished.Then the headache that had been brewing all day blew up inside my head. Like migraine level. That was a good enough reason not to eat. And I felt that false sense of peace wash over me that happens every time I restrict/choose not to eat.But the healthy me would not be silenced and was determined to do the right thing. I drove to a gas station for some Excedrin. (Seriously, it hurt so badly - like words-slurred-couldn't-put-phrases-together-bad.)I took it immediately, drove back to the restaurant, laid my seat back, and closed my eyes.Within a half hour, the pain was manageable. So I went in the restaurant, by myself. And I ordered food, for myself. And I sat down in a booth, by myself. And I ate all of it, by myself.I'm sure this sounds pretty stupid. I can see how it would. But I don't think I've ever gotten food for myself when no one was with me.I'll always remember the conversation I had with the Lord and the gratefulness in my heart in that little booth tonight with tears threatening to spill over at any moment. I was so grateful. This was such a victory He'd given me. I fed myself. In public. At a restaurant. Alone.I went to the NEDA event and met up with a friend attending with me. It was a good night. The ED Survivor who shared was great. The professional panel was wonderful.But the most amazing thing happened in my heart as I sat and listened. For the first time ever, I could clearly see that I was recovering. I could see the road behind me and just how far the Lord has carried me. It is really happening. I'm really recovering!! And that thought was just overwhelming.All I could say in my head was, "Thank you, God. Thank you, God."It's not that I haven't believed I could recover. I know the God we serve is omnipotent, and recovery from anything in this life is possible because of Him.But I guess I've just been walking in that faith, trusting one day it would be true, because I just seemed to be spinning my wheels.He opened my eyes to see it tonight. It's happening, and there's something so exciting about that for me! I really can't describe it.I'm nowhere near fully recovered, but I'm further down the recovery road than I've ever been. And for the first time, I can see a distance between where I was completely enslaved by the eating disorder and the separation that grows farther every day.Not because of me. I am hopelessly weak. But because of Jesus - because of His love and strength and the people He has placed in my life to walk with me.Truly, it was an amazing realization. I pray the first of many more.The Lord continued working in my heart tonight as I listened to the panel and watched their interaction with the attendees. I've often said that I pray I can one day be of help to others who struggle. And I certainly still do.But God so clearly placed in my heart tonight a confirmation that it's exactly what He wants me to do. I don't know how that looks. I don't know what that entails. I don't know when He plans for that to happen. I do know it probably will be alongside another ministry career.He made it so absolute - no question - crystal clear in my heart tonight, in a way only He can do, that cannot be described. This is what He wants. And I'm trusting Him to show me what exactly that is, when He's ready.And I am more excited about that than I can express! I feel like He opened a little window and allowed me to look back to see the work that He's completed thus far but also to look to the future to really gain sight of full recovery and the possibilities of how He'll use the broken road of life that He's so faithfully carried me along.I can tell you that there's a huge spark of hope in my heart tonight. Satan has tried several times to douse it since I left the event. But he cannot.God is allowing me to recover. He is doing the recovery work in me. It's happening!! Yes, it's still unbelievably difficult. But He's definitely at work. And I can see it.Pruning is painful. Reassembling broken pieces takes time. But He's doing it.Jesus, who began a good work in Amie, will be faithful to complete it. (Philippians 1:6)I feel so loved, that He would do this work in me. That He would deliver me from what's seemed impossible - this horrific disease. It's humbling. It's overwhelming in so many ways. But I am SO incredibly grateful.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,  And were the skies of parchment made;Were every stalk on earth a quill,  And every man a scribe by trade;To write the love of God above  Would drain the ocean dry;Nor could the scroll contain the whole,  Though stretched from sky to sky.

Oh how thankful I am for that relentless love that never runs out and never gives up!