ANXIETY: And Recovery Wins in Spite of It

Anxiety

My greatest struggle over the last few weeks has been anxiety. Sometimes I know exactly what's causing it. Sometimes I cannot figure it out. What I do know about all of it is that it's been more intense over the last few weeks than I've ever before experienced. And it ebbs and flows, again, without reason.And that frustrates me and makes me sad. I don't want to feel this way. There is so much going on right now - many things which are really good - and I don't want to deal with this.I've often said, "I'm anxious," over the years. But in the past, I think it's really been more of extreme nervousness or worry.This feels so different. It's almost more physiological than mental. It's like the butterflies that flutter in your stomach get inside a bowling ball that somehow rolls up into your chest. It just sits there, extremely heavy with that panicky fluttering continuing. It makes me feel like I can't breathe, yet I can see my chest rising and falling as I take breaths, so I know that I am. Even still the feeling can get very intense, to the point that I have to lean over with the intensity.Sometimes my skin itches so badly. I can't find a bug bite or rash, but that feeling that makes you want to scratch is deep down in my skin. And I do scratch it, but it keeps itching. Lotion, ice, topical solutions.... nothing helps. There are times I've left scratches on my skin, unaware of how hard/often I'm scratching.Some days I know exactly what's making me anxious. At least then I can go to the Lord with precisely what's causing the feeling. As I typed that, the Lord reminded me that He doesn't require me to come to Him with precision. I do know that and go to Him with the generality of what I'm feeling without associated triggers. However, I acknowledge I need to give up the frustration of not understanding all of it. Pretty sure that's a control issue.Days like yesterday are so hard, because I can't put my finger on any one thing that's causing the anxiety. But it spiked really high several times and left me in tears a couple of those times. Again, unexplained. I took prescribed meds three times, and I could not notice a difference.Anxiety makes me want to isolate. But that's one of the things that eating disorders feed off of and is not wise for me to act upon.I think I'm anxious about blogging today because of this topic. Anxiety is one of those taboo topics in today's church - to say that you struggle with anxiety and worse yet, that you sometimes need medication to help you manage it. But maybe that's a problem in and of itself. Maybe we should be talking about it. And for goodness sake, if I can be open about having an eating disorder and all that goes with it, I certainly shouldn't mind acknowledging I'm anxious. But it still feels uncomfortable. I've been judged many times, as we all have, and it never feels good.But good or bad, this is the honest truth of where I am right now. We've talked about anxiety in several recent therapy sessions. The Bible tells us what we are to do with the anxiety. When we do not do what God tells us to do, we sin. A lot of my anxiety definitely falls under that. It's a trust/faith issue. I'm anxious about what might happen, what could happen, what I want to control.... I trust God's sovereignty, but I also know that He doesn't make us do anything. We make our own choices, and that's what causes the anxiety, or rather, the natural consequence of sinful choices should the person choose not to honor the Lord with them. At the end of the day, it's still a lack of trust. Like I said earlier, I know it grieves the Holy Spirit, and I don't want to do that. I am working on it.But then there's that unexplained anxiety that gets so intense that it affects me physically....Good grief.All I can do is keep giving it to God and trust Him to show me what to do. Maybe this is part of the recovery journey.As a side note, please understand that I am not naming the feelings you experience with anxiety as sin. I am speaking specifically to my life and my heart. I do not know your story or circumstances.But yes, the Christian stigma surrounding the word "anxiety" does, ironically, make me feel anxious to acknowledge I'm struggling with it.

Anxiety in Transparency - Or Lack Thereof

I think another thing that brings anxiety about posting right now is that I don't want to be fake. Granted, it is a constant struggle to keep the walls down and allow myself to be transparent, but I really do want that. For me, because it's helpful, and for others, in hopes they'll feel it's ok for them to be vulnerable, too.But right now I can't do that to a certain extent. When things are just about me, it is my choice as to whether I want to share it or keep it private. But a lot of what's going on in my life is not about me, and I cannot and would not share.Even some of the things happening within me right now would be completely inappropriate to share publicly. They are private issues. So to blog an update somehow feels insincere to me when I have to leave out big pieces.I've been at a standstill with creating posts of my treatment journals for months. The next several weeks of those deal specifically with extended family. I just don't believe it's OK to make public what I journaled. I want to honor them. But I want to complete the treatment journals and need to figure out a way around all of that.I share all of this to say that there are other things going on right now - emotionally and circumstantially - that bring anxious thoughts. They're a big piece of the puzzle, but that's as transparent as I can be about it.So there's that.

Good Things

But that's enough of "that," because this week has brought many good things even alongside the anxiety. And I am thankful.Late in the year of 2017, the Lord placed on my heart a desire to lead a support/recovery group for those struggling with eating disorders and for those who have a loved one with an eating disorder. Last Sunday, the Lord fulfilled that desire. Our recovery group met for the very first time. Six of us attended and shared our stories. Eleven have registered locally, and I hope we'll see more next week. We also have a group of eight out of town members, and we are implementing a video conference option that will allow them to be a part of the group, too.I am so excited about this and pray God uses it in ways I could never have even dreamed to help others. I'm reaching out to schools and professionals, and several are going to help me share the opportunity.Pray with me that God will continue sending people who need help. Pray that God's words will eclipse my own. Also pray that He will give us a better place to meet. The maximum capacity of our current room is ten, and there are several inconveniences. So the need is great according to the number who have already registered, not even including the ones who will hear about it over the next couple of weeks.

Recovery Win

I had an appointment with my medical doctor this week. It went really well. She was very pleased with my progress since I'd last seen her. My blood pressure was in the normal range. She was fine with my weight being where it is and said I didn't need to be worried about any more restoration; nitpicking over a couple of pounds is not helpful, and I'm fine where I am. She said I looked much healthier and seemed happy. Even as I was walking out the door, she was still telling me how encouraged and proud of me she was.So great, right?! Yes....But before I'd even gotten to the checkout desk, eating disorder thoughts were shouting insults and throwing shame. It was difficult to even get the followup date on my calendar, because I was so overtaken with what was going on in my head.

Are you kidding me?! Look what you have done to yourself. How dare you!!! Even the doctor is commenting on how good you look - she means thick and puffy. She said you're healthy; you don't deserve to be healthy. You are a selfish, unworthy, undisciplined girl. You've let yourself go. Weak. You disgust me. Who are you to think you have the right to nourish yourself? You should be so ashamed of yourself.

And I was ashamed of myself. The shame was so heavy.And then the panic. I'm out of control. I'm too much. I'm obvious. I'm not safe. I'm drawing attention to myself. I knew I was inflating. I should have known better than to trust my dietician. The doctor says I'm already at a healthy weight. Why does she keep insisting I'm not and make me keep gaining?! And does this mean I'm recovered? If this is recovered, I won't last. Is this really it?! I've got to fix this. I feel so guilty.I shut the door and started the car. I shifted into reverse but then moved it back to park. Head in my hands, I leaned against the steering wheel. Uuuugggghhhhhh.The thoughts, the feelings, the anxiety - that combination was awful. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. What would make them go away. How I could be safe again.That's when the tears started. I knew in that moment I had a choice to make. And as horrible as it is, I really, really wanted to make the wrong one. I wanted to go back to what was "safe" for me.But I buried the eating disorder. I've committed to recovery, and I can no longer make those choices, no matter how badly I want to go there. I just can't.So I made the right choice. I chose to challenge the feelings with truth. Feelings are real and can be acknowledged, but very often, feelings are not true, and I should never make decisions based upon them.The truth vs. the thoughts and feelings:

Look what you have done to yourself. How dare you!!! I've done nothing to myself for which I should be ashamed.Even the doctor is commenting on how good you look - she means thick and puffy. The eating disorder hears thick and puffy. I have to acknowledge from a rational place that can't be true. I trust my treatment team, and they say the opposite. The fact that this still shames and scares me means there's still work to be done.She said you're healthy; you don't deserve to be healthy. That's a bold faced lie. God's plans are for me to prosper. He planned for me to fuel my body with food. I glorify God by properly nourishing my body. Depriving myself of nourishment is not honoring to Him or His creation.You are a selfish, unworthy, undisciplined girl. You've let yourself go. Weak. You disgust me. Who are you to think you have the right to nourish yourself? You should be so ashamed of yourself. There are times I am selfish, but nourishing my body is not one of those times. On my own, I am not worthy, but because of what Jesus has done for me, I am. There are times I'm undisciplined, and I can work on those areas. But eating is not one of them. The reality is that I follow a very structured, restorative meal plan, and that's definitely more disciplined than not. I am letting the eating disorder go, and it's fighting for its life. I am weak, yes, but my God is omnipotent, and His strength is perfect. Shame is never from God, so I should not be ashamed of myself.

I'm out of control. That's OK. I'm not supposed to be in control. God is in control, and for that reason, I can let go. I'm too much. I'm obvious. I'm not safe. I'm drawing attention to myself. I knew I was inflating. I cannot trust what I see or what I feel right now. I've proven many times that I can't trust myself in this area. But I can trust my team and what they tell me. I'm not too much. I'm not drawing attention to myself. I am safe. I am actually unsafe when I feel comfortable. I am not inflating.I should have known better than to trust my dietician. The doctor says I'm already at a healthy weight. Why does she keep insisting I'm not and make me keep gaining?! It should be obvious to me by now that Satan often uses the slightest professional discrepancies to make me go back to the eating disorder. This has to stop. My dietician is not out to get me. She's on my side, and she's become a good friend. I can definitely have a conversation about this with her for better understanding in our next session, but it would be wrong for me to change the meal plan on my own. That has never gone well for me and always results in going the wrong way on the scale. I will continue following my meal plan, including supplements, until we are all in agreement that it can change.And does this mean I'm recovered? If this is recovered, I won't last. Is this really it?! I've got to fix this. I feel so guilty. The fact that I am still struggling so much with a "good" medical followup demonstrates that I'm not fully recovered. But on the reverse, the fact that I'm not immediately acting upon my feelings shows I am in the process of recovering. And hope is still here. There is nothing to fix. There is no guilt in taking care of my body.  Keep trusting the team God's given me and the process.

And with that, I drove home, made breakfast, and ate it. The feelings were still there, and while I acknowledged them, I knew that the truth is what matters. And it is upon the truth that we make choices, not the feelings.Even just a few months ago, I would not have responded in this way. I'd have immediately run towards "safety" in restriction and other behaviors. So I praise Jesus for the recovery win He's given me. "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." I Corinthians 10:13.

Wrapping It Up

So - this post really is all over the place. The anxiety is real and fierce and unfortunately not over. But I'm confident God will help me through it. He's never failed to give me what I need. He'll shine the light on the sin and give my team wisdom to know what's causing the physiological distress. Just because I need a medication to help me right now, mainly for the bigger picture of recovery, doesn't mean I have to take it forever. And I will be grateful for the wisdom God has given doctors to create things like this to help. I will challenge the associated guilt.There is a lot of personal "muck" right now that I can't talk about, around me and in me. But God knows all of it, and He already sees the end of the story and promises to somehow make it work for good.I am never alone, even when it feels that way, because He will never leave me and I know there are people I can call on any time. Satan uses that alone feeling to push me towards the eating disorder, and I have to fight it. He also reminds me often that I have to be such a heavy burden to others, which also fuels the need to isolate. Those thoughts have to be dismissed as well. They never lead to a good place.And my goodness, all the good God's doing. He doesn't need me for any of it, yet He wants me to be a part of it. Simply amazing. I'm so thankful He allows me to be a small piece of His work. It fuels my soul.Despite the anxiety and muck, it's been a victorious week. I survived the anxiety. I did not act upon my feelings. God will use my team to keep walking with me; we'll get through the hard stuff. Rather than being overwhelmed by those hard things, I instead want to be overwhelmed by God's love and all the good He is doing.So heaven meats earth like an unforeseen kissAnd my heart burns violently inside of my chestI don't have time to maintain these regretsWhen I think about the wayHe loves us, oh how He loves us. To read my story from the beginning, click here.