Depression, Suicide, Eating Disorders, and More

Over the course of my day  last Wednesday, I had four different, unconnected conversations with people regarding suicide and related thoughts, in person and over text or phone call. This was in addition to the numerous encounters I had with people struggling with depression, anxiety, crippling fear, and more. It's heavy stuff, and my heart is so burdened for the number of people who are struggling so significantly right now.I spoke with one lady on the phone who was at the end of her rope. She wanted to give up on life. After talking about it at length with her, I encouraged her to pull her car over and google a church in her area that had a Wednesday night service. I was able to get her to commit to going. I prayed with her and asked God to give her a special word through the message that night.I didn't feel like I could tell her to go find the nearest Bible-believing church and run in to find someone and tell them of her desperation. Maybe I was wrong, but the thought of it raised all kinds of concerns for me.

Appropriate Brokenness

I've been giving a lot of thought to the phrase "appropriate brokenness." Here's what I mean by that. I think it's really obvious that faith communities have vastly improved in the area of acknowledging brokenness. In fact, I actually told a publisher recently that I think the term "brokenness" may be moving towards over saturation in the market right now. We've really come a long way, and I'm thankful for that!However, I still sense a line that we've drawn; it's unspoken, invisible, yet we all have an awareness that it's there. It's almost as if it's okay to be broken until we get to "this" point. Anything up to that point is respected; we'll actually have a sense of awe that you've open up and talked about this kind of brokenness. The idea of brokenness is somewhat of a current cultural-norm that's, in a way, enamored in our church societies.While I am thankful that we're learning to be okay with brokenness, there's still a problem. Because I think what we're embracing is appropriate brokenness, which means that there's more work to be done if we truly want to help and love others well, as Jesus does.We have to destroy that mentality - that we can only acknowledge certain forms of brokenness or confess brokenness up to a certain level without being judged or making it awkward for everyone. That there are broken topics that are somewhat pretty in their brokenness and then there are those other areas that we just [a-hem] ... well we all no better than to talk about in church.

Jesus and Brokenness

When I think of stories of Jesus regarding His interactions with others, my mind settles on His loving responses. He seemed to make it His habit to be intentionally relational with those who didn't just struggle with everyday temptations.Don't get me wrong, Jesus was always full of compassion, for all people. But consider His encounters with those who were deeply entrenched in an ongoing lifestyle of sin or  profoundly mentally or physically disabled. I don't remember ever reading anything about Jesus being shocked, or mortified, or stand-offish, or even glancing at those around Him to gauge their reactions. I read about Him going out of His way to lovingly connect with them.Often His followers, the religious leaders, or crowds would question Him or encourage Him to rethink His direction. When I picture their faces, I picture similar faces amongst us as brothers and sisters in Christ when we "hear" that someone is struggling with "x." Or when someone new to the faith and church-culture trips over their words and shares something we typically don't talk about in church. You know, when you reach over to the friend beside you and grip their knee, raise your eyebrows, and purse your lips. I know I've done that. I'm not proud, but I have.The disciples tried to "protect" Jesus from some situations. But Jesus made it clear that there was no one too broken for Him.

Levels of Brokenness

So later on that Wednesday night, I was feeling pretty frustrated. This is not okay. Church families should be the safest places we have to ask for help. We've got to turn this around.The "solution" came to me quickly; we just need people to start talking about the hard stuff. We have to set the example, and as others follow, we must listen and love them well as we connect them with people who can help them out of their dark places.My mind began to furiously run with a plan. People need to start talking about it. Suicide is heavy on my heart right now. Maybe one of the people I spoke to today could share a testimony ... We could talk about this appropriate brokenness thing and challenge the stigmas.And then, very suddenly, I felt stopped in my tracks. Like you're getting ready to say something to a group of people and are abruptly tapped on the shoulder. God interrupted my planning.Now, I don't hear God speak to me in an audible voice. But there have definitely been times when I know He is placing an urgency on my heart to do something. And this was one of those moments, on Wednesday night, while I was excited about planning a way for others to obliterate the mentality of having appropriate and inappropriate brokenness.He reminded me that I have a story to share about the very topic that's so heavy on my heart right now, but I'm wanting everyone else to lead the way.Oh, but Lord, I have shared so much of my story. I mean, look at the name of my website. I have laid my brokenness out there, been vulnerable even when I didn't want to be. I have more than shared my story. You don't really expect me to talk about THAT, too, do you?!Friends, I have tried to wiggle my way out of talking and writing about this in just about every way I know to argue. I shared that on my video last week when I shared my heart about all of this. I've struggled with writing about it for more than a week.But Jesus keeps pressing on my heart a heaviness for those struggling with suicidal ideations. And for brothers and sisters in Christ that ask questions like, "Can Christians struggle with those thoughts?" because of stigmas and a lack of understanding surrounding such topics. Jesus is reminding me that I have personally walked that very road, as a Christian, but yet I don't want to share it.I guess I can't challenge anybody to obliterate the idea of there being appropriate and inappropriate brokenness while I'm still on the sideline holding on to what I "feel" like is too inappropriate to share. But it definitely exemplifies my point, even if I am making it myself.Please allow me to first say I am not advocating that we add a time to our services for open mic when everyone has a turn to share how they're currently struggling with all of the details. I'm fully aware that there are appropriate settings to reveal the darkest places of our hearts. Perhaps that would be with a Sunday School teacher, in a small group, with a trusted friend, or in an appointment with a pastor or counselor, to name a few such settings.What I am advocating for is obliterating the culture surrounding levels of appropriate brokenness. I'm talking about cultivates open hearts that know full well there is a safe place to share it all, no matter the struggle. That don't fear the look on someone's face or the after-thoughts. That would never imagine being judged.I also want to acknowledge I'm aware that cultures are created by broken people. Imperfect beings who, despite good intentions, have a sinful nature. And no matter how hard we strive to cultivate this environment, there will still be an underlying tendency to want to hide. Because sin plays a role in every form of brokenness - our sin, the sins of others committed against us... Our sinful natures will always tempt us to cover up brokenness, but we can choose to turn from the temptation and bring what's broken into the light.As broken, sinful-natured people, in Jesus' name, we can do our best to initiate change. I believe with all my heart that Jesus wants our faith families to be that safe place where people can share the hard and awful and really painful stuff and be overwhelmed by unconditional love and support.Maybe you're already being intentional about being a part of such a community. That's amazing, and I'm thankful.I know that many leaders in my church family want this for our city. I know they prioritize loving others and desperately desire to walk with them through the hard stuff.But it takes more than just desperately desiring leaders. It takes all of us saying, yes, this is what we want, and let me lead by example.As members of our current, appropriate brokenness-supporting church culture who desire to see a shift, we have to be willing to be what's currently considered "inappropriately broken." We have to push against the people-pleasing, all-put-together-craving natures of our hearts (which is sin) and humbly begin showing others that it's okay to not always be okay.

Inappropriately Broken

So here is my humble attempt. I talked about it "in-person" via live video, but I want to write about it as well for those who are not on social media.It's probably no secret that I've struggled greatly with anorexia. I've been in recovery for two years - praise God - but those two years have been extremely difficult. For me and for my loved ones.What I've not openly shared is that during those two years, I've also struggled with severe clinical depression (partially as a result of extreme malnourishment) which led to intentional self-harm and eventually ongoing suicidal thoughts with a near suicide attempt.Even typing that out today brings tears. It was such a painful, dark place. And when I think about the ramifications of a successful attempt, my heart is overwhelmed with grief.If you've never struggled with similar thoughts, could I first encourage you to thank God for that! Thank Him that you've never been in a place where the enemy's lies were so loud they were drowning out most everything else. When your mind was in such a place that you couldn't discern his lies from truth. When in fact, the enemy was so crafty that what he said seemed to be what was, in fact, true.But by grace, you have not been there. I read an amazing article last night written by a friend on this very topic. Take a minute to read the whole article here. Rebekah says this:

I will never spiritually arrive until I am earthly dead. I am above no sin because I am by nature a child of disobedience, all disobedience. Just because there is not an outward manifestation of sin doesn’t mean there isn’t inward disobedience. I may not get drunk, but I may lust after pleasure without anyone knowing. I may not have an affair, but I may lust after value in my own heart unrevealed to those around me. I may not go over the speed limit, but I may lust after control internally. I may refrain from outward sins, but my motivation may be prideful. Until I am completely sinless in heaven, there’s no sin on earth I’m not capable of committing. Because I’m created as a unique individual with certain likes and dislikes, I’m predisposed to temptations that maybe someone else is not, but it doesn’t mean there’s sin impossible for me to commit.

I believe we do a disservice to the world by portraying a visual image of the devil - the enemy - dressed in a red body suit, carrying a sphere with angry eyes and horns coming out of his head.That's not the image of the devil who puts thoughts in my head. I would recognize him immediately and run if that's how he presented himself to me.The devil who taints my inward thoughts seems normal. I don't think I could pick him out in a crowd. He knows that my heart loves Jesus and wants to please Him. He can't get to me in a red bodysuit and horns. He knows I don't want that life, and I will call him out and flee.So in his neutral "apparel," he ever so slightly begins twisting truth when I am suffering. He cunningly devises a discreetly evil plan in an attempt to be representative of what's actual truth.He is known as the master of deceit, and that deceit looks different for every person. And unfortunately, we don't get to choose the ways we are tempted.I had already "done" six weeks in residential treatment and was feeling extreme guilt and shame for being away from my family for that length of time. That guilt and shame was compounded because I was still struggling with the eating disorder and on a steep downward spiral. I could recognize the spiral, but I didn't know what to do with it.My eating disordered behaviors were causing a lot of strong tension in my married life, which in turn impacted my family. Even though I was on medication for depression, the malnutrition was causing it to be more debilitating every day.I feel like it's important to mention that during this time, I was extremely active within my church. I regularly served in the worship ministry. I was in leadership and a part of the ministerial staff at a large church.But none of that mattered to the enemy, the father of lies. It may have, in fact, made him more determined to kill me.With every mistake I made, he reminded me of what a failure I was.With every engagement in an eating disordered behavior, he reminded me of the hypocritical, weak, disgusting leader I'd become.Every time I stood up to lead in worship, he told me again of my hypocrisy and that God wasn't interested in my feeble attempts to worship Him because of the horrible person I was. He reminded me of what others had said in the past when I struggled, that people couldn't stand to look at me.In some situations, he told me I was not enough, a dreadful excuse for {fill in the blank}. And in different situations, he told me I was too much. Too dramatic, burdensome, and over-the-top emotional and taxing.When I made a slip in recovery or had to ask for help, he reminded me of the terrible disappointment and heavy burden I was to my friends. He told me I drained the life out of people, but they were just too kind to tell me.When I tried to cry out to God, the enemy told me what a failure I was and that even God Himself was barely tolerating me, extremely disappointed in the pathetic person I'd become.When I looked at my children, he stabbed my heart with shame and told me they deserved a better mother.When my husband cried in fear for what the eating disorder was doing to me, the enemy shouted at me that I needed to free him to find a wife who could meet his needs and love him the way he needed to be loved. He deserved so much better, too.And every day, his voice got louder and louder. The wrestling in my heart was no longer the lies the enemy said about me versus the truth of who God says I am and what He planned for my life. I believed every word He said in His word, but when it came to believing it about me, the master of deceit had convinced me that I was so bad of a person that none of that even applied to me or my life.And so eventually, the wrestling in my heart was instead about freeing my family and friends from the horrible burden I was and allowing someone else who was far better suited to love them and care for them to step in versus the pain they would initially encounter when they learned I had taken my life.Oh the pain of loving them so much and wanting them to have what was "best" for them but not wanting them to suffer in any way! And worse, so desperately wanting to be that person they called Mama and Sweetheart and Friend, but believing in each of those roles, I was a pitiful representation and hating myself all the more for that. Every time, the enemy would tell me it was time to put them out of their misery by removing myself from their lives.I was fortunate in a way that many who struggle with these thoughts aren't. I had people who were challenging those lies loudly, actively, in every way they knew to challenge them as often as they had opportunity. Boy am I grateful for them! But somehow, the enemy just kept finding ways to twist it.One afternoon, after an appointment with an extremely uneducated medical professional, there was a winner of the wrestling match in my heart. I knew that my family would be extremely hurt in the moment they found out that I had taken my life. But Satan convinced me that I could do it in a way that was not traumatic, even leave a note for it to be explained as accidental, and ultimately, it would be in their best interest. Their pain would not be long-lived, and it ultimately would be replaced by someone who could care for and provide for them in the way they deserved.I never, ever believed anyone could love them any more than I did. But I believed that not even my deep, deep love for them could replace the shameful person that I was. I concluded I deserved death, and that in my death, they would ultimately be free.You guys. That hurts so much to think about. As I see all of their faces in my mind, I am overwhelmed by the grace of God that has allowed me to still be here today. Thank you, Lord Jesus, thank you so much.Back to that afternoon, I went downstairs to act upon the plan I'd determined. And even though I'd given in, the enemy continued to berate me. He said my tears were selfish, because I was crying for what I wanted versus what was best for my family.I still remember the feeling of the cold tile on my bare feet as I stepped into the kitchen and stood crying on the floor that afternoon. Heartbroken, drowning in shame and pain, preparing to follow through with the plan Satan had convinced me was best for others.Out of the blue - and I mean out of nowhere - I heard a song in my head. One we'd sang in church so often. We'd actually just sung it the Sunday before.

No guilt in life, no fear in deathThis is the power of Christ in meFrom life's first cry to final breathJesus commands my destinyNo power of hell, no sting of manCould ever pluck me from His handTill He return or calls me homeHere in the power of Christ I'll stand

I love music. I specifically love music with lyrics about Jesus. But I can think of a whole host of other songs that have a more comforting tone and speak more specifically to a hurting heart and confused mind. I like this song a lot, but I would never put it on my top five list (well, maybe I would now...) I guess what I'm trying to say is it's not a song that regularly popped into my head.Oh how thankful I am for the power of Jesus and the gospel to interrupt! It stopped me in my tracks on that tile floor.Read those lyrics again. I will never believe they just randomly entered my head. I know they were intentionally placed there, in the perfect moment, when Jesus said to Satan, "She's mine," and used the love for music He had given me to decoupage truth over the lies the enemy had written all over my heart.It's not that in that moment I was miraculously healed or that I no longer wanted to hurt my body or had thoughts about taking my life. I know God's fully capable of a miraculous healing like that, but He knew I still had much to learn in the journey towards healing.But, in that moment, I knew God was speaking to me through every one of those lyrics. I remember realizing it wasn't my choice. Jesus commands my destiny. Not me. Till He returns or HE calls me home (I don't get to call myself home) - those were my two choices, and until one of those happened, I could stand in His power.The truth - it was like someone threw a bucket of ice water in my face. People had been pouring it into me all along the way, but it was like God took an arrow of truth and aimed it directly at my heart and mind. And He didn't miss the shot. God used it to interrupt my plan to take my life.I ran back upstairs, crawled into bed, pulled the covers over my head, and sobbed. I didn't know what I was going to do at that point, but I knew suicide was off the table. God had stepped in and made that very clear.On a side note, the enemy will not give up his plan to destroy us until we are dead. He just changes his angle. His lie was now that God was going to call me home through the eating disorder, because there was no way out of that. And the lies continued to build from there, which is where I'll pause the story, because I've already written a lot about that. (You can pick up here if you've not heard it.)

No Exemptions

But what I want to share in closing is that I loved Jesus so, so much, through every bit of that season. I'd committed most of my adult life to serving Him in full time ministry, because of my deep love for Him and my gratefulness for the gospel and desire to share it with others. I'd personally experienced the joy and wonder of Him choosing to use me to help others and walk with them through trials and tribulation. I'd memorized dozens of verses and applied them to my life. I'd led others to a saving faith in Christ. I understood the power of the gospel.But none of that exempted me from falling into the trap of lies that Satan dug out just for me. It didn't prevent me from struggling with anorexia or depression or suicidal thoughts and ideations, some of those things that many Christians even wonder if you can be a real Believer and still struggle with in life.The Bible says that Satan prowls around like a lion, seeking someone to devour. Of course it makes sense that he would be most hungry for the ones who desire to do Kingdom work. For those that love Jesus and want to spend their lives serving Him.We've come to "expect" the brokenness of unbelievers. We love stories of how God takes people blatantly living a life of "extreme" sins and turning to Jesus and trusting Him for salvation. And we should! Those stories are amazing, but they don't require any more of Jesus' grace than any others.Maybe we Christians could all stand to be reminded that we are all saved by the same amazing grace of God. We are all wretched sinners who apart from Him can do nothing.And even after we're saved, we're still in great need of His grace, all day every day. We become even more of a target for Satan. He does NOT want us grow in Christ. And we are still extremely broken people with extremely sinful natures living in an extremely broken world. As Rebekah shared in her article, we are not above any struggle, even as born-again Believers. We WILL BE tempted by a very crafty, evil, and skillful deceiver.There are some that would be quick to begin identifying the sin in all of this. It's there, for sure. And there's a time for that. But that's not what my heart needed to be reminded of in that moment, when it was so seriously ill. My heart needed unconditional love and consistent reminders of truth. There would be plenty of time for calling out where the sin began down the road.I'm immensely grateful that unconditional love and consistent reminders of truth nestled into appropriate accountability were exactly what I received when I took a chance with vulnerability and shared with someone that I had nearly taken my life and that I was still struggling with the thoughts. I had someone to come along beside me and proclaim God's faithfulness when I couldn't. Someone who was willing to get in the yoke with me and help me keep walking since I couldn't on my own.

Conclusion

In case you're wondering about my friend, she did go to church that Wednesday night. She found one in her city that had a service and went inside. She said a few people said hello as they walked by her, but she left after about ten minutes into the service because she felt so out of place.Oh that bothered me. That a church family would have someone in their midst who was barely holding on by a thread, and no one made time to really even make eye contact.But I quickly had to let that go with the realization that I'd just come home from a Wednesday evening service in my city, and I never even thought about engaging in conversation with someone I didn't know or recognize. I was too focused on getting my kids where they needed to be and getting to my normal seat in the auditorium where the introvert in me could try to disappear. I can be so hypocritical, and I need to work on that.Let's all do our part in cultivating a community of love and grace, no matter the struggle, no matter the severity. And to not just passively say that we believe in that kind of culture, but are instead intentionally, actively working towards that in our areas of ministry. Set the example, and love others well as they follow.Jesus wants us to come as we are. Saved, unsaved, partially broken, shattered... "Come to Me," is His command.Imagine a culture where someone didn't think twice about telling someone as soon as the first suicidal thought - or whatever the struggle was - entered their mind. If there were no lines delineating appropriate and inappropriate brokenness. If we could all just be what we are - totally broken, in desperate need of Jesus - and where that could be associated with no shame. I know that's a culture I want to be a part of creating.We all need Jesus. Before we're saved, after we're saved, all the time. We need the gospel at every point of our lives. We need one another, and we need to be better at one anothering.I keep hearing a really old song in my head as I think about the tremendous amount of people who are struggling in life right now. Especially after Wednesday when it seemed I was inundated with stories of people in critically desperate places. People Need the Lord.God, I pray that my brokenness will reveal how desperately I need you as others see it, and may they find hope in that, despite my great brokenness, your love and grace are always more than enough, and that will never change. May my brokenness point others straight to You, because You are the only answer.

Every day they pass me byI can see it in their eyesEmpty people filled with careHeaded who knows whereOn they go through private painLiving fear to fearLaughter hides their silent criesOnly Jesus hearsPeople need the LordPeople need the LordAt the end of broken dreamsHe's the open doorPeople need the LordPeople need the LordWhen will we realizePeople need the LordWe are called to take His lightTo a world where wrong seems rightWhat could be too great a costFor sharing life with one who's lostThrough His love our hearts can feelAll the grief they bearThey must hear the words of lifeOnly we can sharePeople need the LordPeople need the LordAt the end of broken dreamsHe's the open doorPeople need the LordPeople need the LordWhen will we realizeThat we must give our livesFor people need the Lord

What are your thoughts on this topic? I'd love for you to leave them in the comment box below this next section.Are you struggling with suicidal thoughts?If you're reading this today and feeling stuck in the lies and contemplating death, I want you to know that there is someone who wants to be there for you in the same way others were there for me when I felt that way. I want you to know there is ALWAYS hope.I can pretty much guarantee that right now, the enemy is telling you that's actually not true. That you're different. That no one wants to hear from you. You're a burden. This can't be true for you because you're somehow ever more terrible than anyone else who's had the same struggle. That of course there's no hope.Lies. Continued lies. And even if everything in you feels that they're true, will you trust me just a little bit today and believe that he's lying? I know this, because he told me the exact same things.He's still telling you you're different. He's still lying. I know he is. He still tries to play that game with me. Will you close your eyes for a minute and just speak the name, "Jesus?" Just say it out loud several times.Now listen to me. He's not going to give up. And you can't do this by yourself. God planned for us to lean on one another as we depend upon Him.It's okay that you are not okay right now. God sees you, and He knows what it feels like to feel deep pain. And there are others who want to see you, right where you are.The most important thing you can do right now is tell someone. Be honest. Tell them the thoughts that you are struggling with in your mind. It's okay to feel nervous or afraid about doing it, but you need to do it anyway.You can tell a pastor or a teacher or someone in whom you have already confided. Make sure at least one of the people you tell is an adult. If you don't have anyone in your life that feels safe, I want to be that safe place for you. With all my heart, I want you to know that you are not alone. And you don't have to walk this road alone.

• You can meet with a pastor by calling 1-904-356-6077.
• You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
• You can direct message me here.

But I can't emphasize enough that you must tell someone. Please stop reading and call someone now. Keep calling until you reach someone and can tell them about your painful thoughts you're having.(Quick flash to the future: The Lord eventually brought me to a place where I was able to identify the specific sins in my life which were part of leading me to that place. He also taught me to separate the lies from absolute, immutable truth. The crazy thing is that on my own, I would have been all those things Satan was telling me I was - horrible, wicked, undeserving, disgusting.... See that partial truth on which he capitalized?? Because I wasn't on my own. And there was nothing about me that made me different than anyone else. Satan intentionally covered up the game-changer, Jesus Christ, and the fact that the very Person that He is shatters every one of those adjectives Satan put on me. Because Jesus lives in me. He gave His life for me.  He bore my shame so I wouldn't have to. He calls me worthy, beautiful, enough, and deserving because of who I am IN HIM. None of it has anything to do with me, after all. Without Jesus, yes - all of those things. But I'm not without Him, thanks be to His grace and mercy, which makes all of those things the enemy said lies. And he's lying to you, too. The good news?? There is HOPE.)