Eating Disorder Treatment Anniversaries, Today's Struggles, and Tough Realities: Eating Disorder Recovery
eating disorder recovery, journaling bible, bible journaling, bible study, residential treatment facility, hope in an emotional breakdown
eating disorder recovery, journaling bible, bible journaling, bible study, residential treatment facility, hope in an emotional breakdown
August 29. Another eating disorder treatment anniversary. Sometimes I wonder if these days will ever just be normal days again.Will there ever be an August 29 or October 12 or January 23 or May 8 when my mind won't replay the events of every moment of those days? Somehow I doubt it. I think all events that carry momentous emotions are forever emblazoned on the walls of our hearts and minds.August 29, 2016, I was admitted at a residential facility. My first time in treatment for anorexia nervosa, PTSD, and clinical depression.It's currently 1:56PM. At this time two years ago, I was in my initial intake assessment session with Mrs. Gamin in the building they call the Chapel. This was about two hours before I would experience what I now believe was a total emotional breakdown.I've been writing and talking a lot about that day recently. Since my last update, God has opened so many doors for the ministry of Bring Your Brokenness. I'm more grateful than I can express and humbled by the privileges He's given me.I've had an opportunity to share my story with two different women's groups in cities/communities near mine. He provided funding (through many of you) for our online recovery group to purchase a new platform which has transformed our meeting time. He sent a precious person, out of the blue, who has offered to help me share my ministry/market my "brand." And He allowed me to attend an incredible writer/speakers' conference where I met some amazing people. At that same conference, He also afforded me the opportunity to pitch a book idea to an agent and two Christian publishers.So many of you have encouraged me over the last two years to consider the idea of writing a book. It seemed crazy to me at first, but I know now that God was using all of you to speak to my heart.I've been hesitant to publicly share that I officially "pitched my book" for fear that it would appear prideful. However, choosing not to share that is probably what's been prideful. I didn't want to have to tell a lot of people that my pitch was rejected.The truth is that I am writing a book. I believe God's called me to do it. I believe He wants to use my story to help someone else who is struggling. I believe He wants to continue healing my heart as I work through the rubble of past experiences through written words.So it really doesn't matter what an agent says or if a publisher agrees, because it's not about me. I know in my heart I'm supposed to write it. I can continue pursuing other agents and publishing groups, trusting that if that's the route God plans to use, He'll provide the right one in His timing. But I can also trust that He knows best, and that He doesn't always do things traditionally. But I'm still supposed to write it.In case you're wondering, the agent was a resolute no, and the publishers were maybes with requests for me to submit a book proposal after returning home. Following the submissions of the proposal, both publishers kindly communicated that they would not be able to work with me at this time. One strongly suggested that it was because I do not have a substantial platform (online following) at this time but believes that it's a story that needs to be shared.And the "no's" are disappointing, but really are okay. I'm continuing to work on my pitch, platform, and content. God will do with it what He wants, and perhaps it is only for my personal healing. That's okay, too.It's been a busy, exciting, humbling, and fast end-of-summer. My heart just can't take a play by play of the events of August 29, 2016 today, even though I've seen God use all of the pain for good.What I want to focus on is the very end of the day, when I went to get my Bible out of my room. The only thing I knew to do when it seemed all hope was lost and I really wished I could just die.It was a brand new Bible. My best friend had given it to me just the night before as we said our goodbyes. She encouraged me to start writing in it each day when God spoke to me through certain verses or brought a song to my mind while reading. It was advice that would forever revolutionize my time alone with God.After retrieving it from my room, I clutched it tightly to my chest and slowly walked outside, feet unsteady, tears still streaming. I didn't know where to turn, but my fingers remotely flipped through the pages to my favorite verses in Lamentations. And though I'd memorized them years ago and had them posted in various places around my home and office, they spoke to my soul in a fresh way as I read them again that night.With shaking fingers, I followed the advice of my dear friend and wrote in the margin. I believe with all my heart it's what God used to hold me through the night.On this August 29, 2018, I'm in a much different place in my recovery, and I thank God for that. This year, my heart hurts for many different reasons, and I'm still in great need of those new morning mercies that are promised in these verses.Thankfully, God's Word and its promises are timeless and unchanging. God Himself is immutable. And I can trust Him and that His mercies will be there. I won't be consumed by emotions.There's a part of my heart that feels angry this afternoon. I don't feel angry very often, so it's an unusual feeling. Maybe it's just heavy frustration. I feel like after two years I should not even be struggling in the least with eating disordered thoughts. But that's just not the case. It makes me mad that a part of my heart is so sick that it longs for the comforts of being extremely thin so that the numbing hum in my mind drowns out negative feelings. I hate that my body size makes me panic and want to hide. I hate that I have to challenge those thoughts for the millionth time and call them out as lies from the enemy.
Being extremely thin is not really a comfort. It doesn't make me less noticeable. It doesn't hide me. The numbing hum in my mind not only drowns negative, uncomfortable feelings, but it also drowns all positive feelings and life in general, which leaves me emotionless. It's not the way God planned for me to live or for my loved ones to have to live with me. And in the end, it separates me from the ones I love most and will eventually lead to death.
eating disorder recovery
eating disorder recovery
That's the truth, Amie. But yes, it does still make me angry that I have to combat those thoughts even after everything I've been through and put my family through. Ugh. I hate having an eating disorder.My heart genuinely aches today. Thinking about this day two years ago, the road that still lies ahead of me, and for the changing of seasons in life.Yesterday, we put our oldest child on a bus headed for the Great Lakes - Navy boot camp. I've been dreading this day since he was born over 19 years ago. Seriously. On his ninth birthday, I cried, because I knew we were officially half-way through our years home with him. (Okay I'll be honest, I regularly cry at all of my children's birthdays. But still.)There's so much I could say about this dread, but the feelings are still too fresh to even want to blog about them. I know so many of you can relate.All my life, I've struggled with goodbyes. They do really strange things to my heart and my mind. A therapist once told me she thinks I struggle with adult separation anxiety.Another label, some would say. Maybe. Who cares about a label. I just know I don't do well with them. My anxiety skyrockets, I literally dream worst-case scenarios, regrets tumble over one another for hours on end in my mind, shame regenerates itself, fears avalanche, and emotions are paralyzing. It reminds me of the feelings of something so clearly, yet I have no idea what the "something" is.The battle of the mind. I know everyone can relate to that. Some are more quick to call it sin than others. I'm fully acknowledging that sin is a part of much of it. I'm just not wise enough to pinpoint where it begins and ends. And I don't believe it's all in my control.But even in the part I can't control, I can still intentionally turn my mind to truth, even in the middle of the struggle, even amidst the awfulness of uncomfortable feelings, even when I don't know what else to do with my anxiety. Again, the truth doesn't change.The same hope, the same God, the same new mercies that were there for me August 29, 2016, are there for me today, August 29, 2018. And I can trust my present situations in life, and my family's, to the same immutable Christ. When anxiety is high, it's something we have to remind ourselves of hundreds of times each day.I'm also reminding myself that the truth doesn't always change the feelings, because feelings aren't always rooted in truth. But with intentionality, we can set our mind on the truth and resolutely determine to trust it, even when our emotions are running in an entirely different direction. That, I believe, is our responsibility in order to keep ourselves from sin.So yep - that's where I am. Emotions are making a tangled mess in my heart and mind, but I'm holding on to truth and praying without ceasing. I hate it, but I also understand it's part of life, and I'm not the first person to deal with it.A piece of my heart is north of Chicago this very moment. He's sleep-deprived and likely confused, afraid, second-guessing, and who knows what else. And I hate it. And wish I could change so many things. And want to drive up there and bring him home where he belongs.But I do know this is God's plan for children - to grow up and learn to fly on their own. Whether I like it or not, I can trust the One who planned it and the love He has for my son whom He created in His own image. And somehow, He'll get me through it, too.I'd love to know you're praying for him, as well. And if there's something I can pray specifically for you, please leave a note in the comments below. It would be an honor to pray for you.