I’m in need of my Savior to come rescue me.

GUEST BLOG POST BY LYNDSEY

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder (ED) for about 16 years now and have been to treatment centers all over the country. In total, between various treatment centers, I have spent 11 months of my life in ED residential treatment centers, 15 months of my life in ED partial hospitalization programs (PHP), and 19 months of my life in ED intensive outpatient programs (IOP). That is 37 months of my life in treatment- more than three years! That, of course, isn’t counting years upon years of outpatient care. Historically, I’ve had so much shame in the fact that I’ve gotten so much help and still find myself in bondage.  How can I not be better yet when I’ve gotten so much help? I know what to do, so why can’t I do it?

Within the past 9 months, I’ve started to learn the answers to these questions. I’m not better yet despite all the treatment I’ve received, because I hadn’t allowed Christ to be my true source of help. I was trying to fight something way too big for me to fight, and time after time I was defeated. An eating disorder is quite a monster to overcome. Allowing God to be in full control and surrendering to Him throughout the process is what is allowing me to now inch my way closer to freedom.  

I stumbled upon something that I wrote while at a hospital in Arizona in 2015. I had just made it to the residential treatment center, and was signing intake paperwork in an office area. One of the staff mentioned that I didn’t look ok, and asked me to pause so a nurse could come take my vitals. My heart rate and blood pressure were dangerously low, and the staff called 911 rather that pursuing my admission paperwork. An ambulance arrived, and I was taken from the treatment center to a local hospital and admitted there instead for cardiac stabilization. I remember feeling so many things while in that ambulance- fear, anger, shame, confusion. I remember not wanting the IV because I was afraid of the sugar content in the bag of fluids. How had I gotten myself here? How do I get out of this mess?  

While in the hospital, I wrote this poem:

If I would have known of the pain in store for me,

If only when I started, I’d been able to see,

If I would have known of what was to come,

The dread of the feelings, the feelings gone numb.

The lies, the obsessions, the tears I would cry,

The fear, the reality, of wanting to die,

I’ve become such an addict, a little ‘til I can stop,

Calculating, counting, to watch the number drop.

I run mile after mile, but are the feelings out too?

No they’re still locked inside me, what more can I do?

“Try again,” says the Voice.

“I know that it hurts but you don’t have a choice.”

I give in, I do it, it tells me I’m fine.

But I know I’m obeying a Voice that’s not mine.

“Fine you can eat that, but then you will run…

and not for enjoyment, this shouldn’t be fun!

Run farther, run faster, no don’t you dare quit!”

Someone please help me, I’m in a bottomless pit.

I never should have started, please let me go back,

To that innocent child who ENJOYED every snack.

I’m feeling distorted, I know it’s not right.

But this Monster has clenched me, and it’s holding on tight.

I want out of this mess, I’m in over my head.

Death is overpowering, but I choose life instead.

What can I do? How can I be free?

I’m in need of my Savior to come rescue me.

That hospital stay was the beginning of a whole lot of treatment and a whole lot of striving to do recovery my own way. I was willing to follow the guidance of the professionals partially, but I always held onto some aspects of the eating disorder. I was willing to do a lot of hard things. I gained weight. I increased my food intake and decreased my exercise. I went to all my appointments. I saw great providers. I took the medication. I read the books. But still, I tried to do it my own way, and time and time again my way of doing things led me to relapse. The eating disorder would come in ever so subtly, and I would gradually fall back into its alluring trap, until I was walking back through the doors of another treatment center, filled with shame.

I met my friend Amanda during one of those treatment stays. She encouraged me to attend one of the Bring Your Brokenness recovery retreats, and told me about how life changing this ministry was for her. I loved the fact that it was helpful for her, but Florida was far away and I was busy with work and whatever else. Another retreat came up about six months later, and she encouraged me once again to attend, but again I did not, just because life was busy. There may have been one other one, during which I was in treatment, I’m honestly not sure. Then this past summer, there was another retreat, and about two weeks before the retreat there were a few remaining spots. I was supposed to go on a trip to Northern California that same weekend, and already had the time off work approved. However, the wildfires in California became so dangerous that we had to cancel our trip. I felt something inside of me telling me that I was supposed to go on this retreat, but to be honest I fought it a little bit. I read through the requirements of the retreat, and saw that full meal plan compliance was expected, and thought there would be no way I could do that. Even in treatment, I was never fully compliant. At that time, I was very much struggling. My outpatient team was recommending I go back to residential treatment, and had some boundaries in place for me regarding weight gain in order to continue outpatient care. My dietitian encouraged me to go on the retreat, as an attempt at preventing another treatment stay, but told me that I would most likely still need a higher level of care regardless.

I remember being so overwhelmed by the genuine love that I experienced there. I was fully compliant with my meal plan, which I truly did not think I would be able to complete, and I was amazed by that. I reconnected with God and felt His presence so strongly. After only a few short days, I left with a high level of motivation to fight the eating disorder and a renewed sense of my identity in Christ. Amie graciously started walking with me, and helping me to chip away at the eating disorder behaviors by allowing God to fight the battle for me. I started to have a desire to honor the body that He created for me. It is still a daily struggle, but I am learning to fight the lies of the eating disorder with the Truth of God’s Word.

I can’t remember where (played college soccer- too many head balls), but I read somewhere that “feelings are indicators, not dictators.” They indicate to me that something is going on, but they do not dictate my decisions. Slowly, I am learning to stop making decisions based on feelings, which constantly change, but instead to make decisions based on God’s Word, which is never changing. I’ve now been able to attend two of the Bring Your Brokenness recovery retreats and a five day recovery intensive, and truly feel like I’ve gotten more out of these 12 total days than I have from the 37+ months of treatment stays. I am not discrediting the treatment I’ve received in any way- I fully believe that it saved my life multiple times and I have so much gratitude for the many providers who have worked with me. However, being taught to incorporate Christ into my recovery has been a complete game changer. I don’t really know how to put into words the feelings of love and care that I have experienced during the retreats. It’s like everyone around me was radiating light, hope, and the feeling that I matter. There were so many small details that showed me how much care and intention had gone into every meal and snack that I was consuming, and every group and activity that I was participating in. I was given beautiful gifts that I felt so undeserving of. I was served by the most caring people. As caring people sat with me and encouraged me and prayed for me, I began to experience true hope that full freedom is actually possible for me.

I am very much a work in progress. I am not yet to the other side. Day to day recovery is still very difficult for me. I continue to find myself going back to the eating disorder, rather frequently to be honest, because that has been my auto-pilot for so long. I have to actively fight against it and learn to create new pathways in my brain. I am still very self-conscious of my body and have to fight against a constant desire to lose weight. I still have tons of fear foods and feel a sense of panic when I challenge them. I still struggle with exercise and constantly ask God to help me find comfort in Him rather than in exercise, and to find my identity and worth in Him rather than in my accomplishments. I am definitely not yet fully free.

BUT- I can honestly say that I feel a sense of hope that I never had before being connected with Amie and the other wonderful people who so lovingly serve Bring Your Brokenness. When I look back at the poem that I wrote while alone in a hospital in Arizona, I see the words, “I’m in need of my Savior to come rescue me.” Since then, I’ve shifted my mindset a bit. Instead of waiting for Him to come to me, I am learning that I have to go to Him. He is very much helping me and giving me the strength and ability to move at all, but I have to actively take steps toward Him. Of course, God could heal me completely in an instant if He wanted to. But, I believe that He is using my struggles for good and that I’d be missing out on so much beautiful growth if He were to do so. I’ve already gotten to experience some small glimpses of the ways that God is using my struggles for good. I’ve met some absolutely amazing women while in various treatment centers across the nation. God graciously utilized me while at a treatment center in Oregon to point a woman who had never heard the Gospel toward Him. The only reason she trusted me and opened up to me was because of our shared state of vulnerability while in treatment. I am a Pediatric Occupational Therapist, and have the privilege of working with children with sensory based feeding disorders. I think my eating disorder experiences allow me to better understand their true feelings of anxiety and panic when certain foods are presented, and allows me to empathize with them in a way that helps me to better serve them. When I tell them, “I know it’s really hard,” I truly mean it. What we are afraid of may be very different, but I understand the fear of the food. Because of the many experiences dealing with insurance coverage and denials while in treatment, I learned some of the ins and outs of insurance that I now am able to use when obtaining insurance authorization for the kids I see at work. I am also a high school soccer coach, and have been able to see eating disorder red flags in some of my athletes and have conversations with them, sharing my own story and assisting them in getting help. I also have the privilege of giving an annual “Nutrition Talk” to our athletes, during which I give soccer-specific nutrition recommendations (with the disclaimer that I am not a dietitian) along with giving them permission to eat all foods and teaching them that all foods can fit into their diets. I’ve had the opportunity to give a presentation on eating disorders to a local university’s student crisis team, to teach the volunteers about eating disorders along with referral sources within the area. This list could go on and on, but the point is that God is already at work using my struggles in mighty ways, bringing beauty from the ashes, and I’m not even to the other side yet. 

As I take these steps, I truly believe that God is actively using the many people who make the Bring Your Brokenness ministry possible to help me cling to Him as my Savior and to find the freedom that He died for me to have. Right now it is still very hard, but it won’t be this hard forever. I believe that full freedom from the eating disorder is possible, and that God will continue to pave a way for me to find it. I am very much looking forward to that freedom.