WHAT WE WISH YOU KNEW
Collaborative thoughts from women in eating disorder recovery about what they wish their support people knew.
PLEASE DON’T SAY THINGS LIKE:
“Why aren’t you over this yet?” It’s a journey and a process that is different for everyone. I shame myself with this every day and if I could get over it just like that, I would.
“Can’t you just…?” If I could, I would. Mental illnesses are not a choice, and that is why I’m getting help.
“Eating disorders are selfish.” You can not imagine how that hurts. Part of my problem is that I live my life to please others and don’t take care of myself.
“Can’t you do this for me?” I love you so much that if I could, I already would have. But also, if I recover just for you, my recovery will always be dependent on you.
“Don’t you understand what you’re doing to me?” Guilt trips aren’t helpful or motivating. But I can see that it is hurting you and it rips my heart out which is why I’m getting help. How are you taking care of yourself? I do understand that eating disorders impact every relationship they touch.
“The only present you could ever give me is to recover.” -See above
“You know what to eat. Just eat it.” It’s not about the food. It goes much deeper. The root causes take a long time to work through, and I’m doing my best to do that.
“After everything I ate today, I’m gonna need to run an extra five miles.” Any shame around food or activity in one’s schedule should be avoided. I’m doing my best to remember that movement is for joy and should never be a punishment or compensation. My brain latches onto things like that.
“I’ve only had a bagel all day…” Eating disorders can be competitive and hearing you say “I’ve only had” makes me feel shame. I’m working to understand how much my body needs, and that’s different than what yours needs. When you mention your restriction, it is so tempting and makes me feel ashamed.
“You look good!” or any comments about appearance. No matter your intention, my eating disorder will twist that. It’s more helpful at this point in my recovery to focus on things that don’t involve my body.
“Are you sure this isn’t a vanity problem?” Yes, I’m sure, and that is so hurtful to be judged in that way. If you really knew what I thought about myself, you would never ask that question. It’s the opposite of vain.
“When did you stop eating?” I didn’t wake up one morning and decide to starve myself. Food is at the very tip of the iceberg of what’s really happening in my mind and my heart.
“I wish I could be that self-disciplined.” If you only knew how miserable I was inside…. What you don’t know is that I’m completely out of control. It’s not self-control, but an obsession. I’d give anything to be living a free life versus existing in this prison that you’ve labeled self-disciplined.
“I couldn’t even eat that much.” Please understand that I am doing my best to trust the highly skilled professionals in my life who are helping me understand how to fuel my body well. Please don’t make comparisons even if you’re trying to make me feel better.
IT’S NOT HELPFUL WHEN YOU:
Engage in any negative talk about bodies/shame around any shape/compare bodies. Even if you aren’t directing it toward me and my body, my brain is making the comparison of what is important to you and it feels unsafe. I wish that body shape wasn’t important to you because the things I love most about you have nothing to do with your body size.
Categorize foods as good or bad. Foods have no morality. All food can be part of a normal balanced meal plan. Diet culture is a liar. Behaviors may be helpful or unhelpful, but that is not true for food.
Assume that everyone who is a certain size has an eating disorder or that people with eating disorders all look a certain way or behave a certain way/eat a certain way. Eating disorders are so individualized. When you look on the outside, you don’t see what’s happening on the inside. Over 90% of everyone who struggles with an eating disorder would be considered neither under or over weight by society’s messed up standards.
IT IS SO HELPFUL WHEN YOU:
Make food secondary and have positive conversations over meals
Show me you love me. Actions speak louder than words. I know I’m not always lovable but need constant reminders of your unconditional love to feel safe.
Seek your own counsel to support your own needs. This has been hard for everybody.
Comment on strengths and abilities and not on my appearance.
Involve me in positive conversation at the table.
Eat with me, especially if I invite you. Please don’t just sit and stare at me.
Consider your own eating patterns.
Learn more about me and what I like and spend time with me. I’m more than my eating disorder.
Be curious and ask questions that allow me to share rather than make assumptions. Try not to be pushy if I seem uncomfortable.
Make an effort to educate yourself about eating disorders (Look at you!! We commend you for already doing this since you’re reading this article! Need some other resources? See below!)
Practice empathy rather than trying to fix it for me or pitying me.
Learn what helps me feel loved and supported. Feel free to ask me if you don’t know!
Talk with me rather than talk at me.
Ride the highs and lows with me. I wish it could always be pretty but it won’t be.
Understand my triggers and warning signs and be ready to help if I’m stuck in my head. If you don’t know how, it’s ok to ask me!
Ask yourself is it kind, helpful, or necessary before saying something to me.
Love yourself well and take care of you in this process.
Anyone in recovery from an eating disorder would likely share that the journey is hard...and worth it. Just like any other struggle, a support system can make all the difference. Thank you to those who are--imperfectly yet steadfastly-- committed to sharing in the joys and struggles of your loved one's recovery. God is using you in incredible way.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder and needs additional support, we would love to come alongside you. At Bring Your Brokenness, we have an inpatient facility, Charis House, as well as outpatient support options. Our support groups meet twice weekly and are virtual. Please don’t hesitate to reach out!